The Bank Account of Some Creepy Euro
Today, the draw for the 32 country 2018 World Cup took place. The World Cup is a big deal for every place on the planet that isn’t a badass nation. I love it, even if I’m a badass by proxy of birth. The whole smug world revolves into a weird sorta nationalism that Americans will never understand. MAGA on steroids – sometimes literally.
Here are my random thoughts on the groups. Oh, right, groups: The World Cup takes all the teams and puts them into groups, then the top two teams from each group move on into a single elimination tournament. Why am I qualified to give this insight? Because it’s 2017 and access to a url is all it takes to be an expert.
Those advancing from each group in Red.
Group A: Russia (65), Uruguay (17), Egypt (30), Saudi Arabia (63)
What is this horse shit? You don’t need to know a fucking thing about football to understand that Russia clearly paid off a FIFA official for this draw. I’m pulling for Egypt because Mo Salah represents Liverpool, is a god on the pitch, and I get SJW cred for supporting Muslims.
Group B: Portugal (3), Spain (8), Iran (34) , Morocco (48)
Someone wanted to ensure Ronaldo’s Portugal team got more air time. Spain might win the whole thing – though I think they’re a cycle too early.
Group C: France (7) , Peru (10), Denmark (19) , Australia (43)
France will wreck people here. They’re always a strong side but they have maybe the best assemblage of young talent on earth. But not just young, super awesome prospect young. Australia calls themselves the Socceroos! So they’re either the best or worst thing ever.
Group D: Argentina (4) , Croatia (18), Iceland (21) , Nigeria (41)
You will want to root for Iceland. They’re everything you’d imagine: small loyal, plucky, nice, and fun. They do fun things in the crowd!
Argentina either wins or they all kill Messi.
Group E: Brazil (2) , Switzerland (11), Costa Rica (22), Serbia (38)
Brazil is the favorite to win everything. They are always the favorite. They’re spoken of in reverential terms and deservedly so.
Group F: Germany (1) , Mexico (16), Sweden (25) , South Korea (62)
Ok, Germany might actually be the favorite. They won last time and every stereotype you have of a German team is true: disciplined, talented, dedicated. They don’t fuck up and have designed their entire program from the ground up to produce an assembly line of talent. Mexico can eat shit. DOS A CERO, dickheads.
Group G: Belgium (5) , England (12) , Tunisia (28), Panama (49)
England will be the best thing ever to watch: guaranteed that everyone in England’s heart breaks because of them. Belgium are super talented but always shit the bed. “Maybe they’ll do if this time.” No, they won’t.
Group H: Poland (6), Colombia (13) , Senegal (32) , Japan (44)
Poland are super high ranked by FIFA, which means nothing. Columbia are from South America so you know they’re good. No clue on Senegal – I don’t like African teams at all. The African Union is as corrupt as it gets and their teams always take good players from LFC right when we need them most. Dicks. Japan will be like a less talented and less physically gifted Germany. Organized, not prone to mistakes, a tough fucking game no matter what.
Final Four
France
Germany
Brazil
Spain
Final Game
France vs Germany
2018 Winner
Germany
Final analysis: It’s in Russia so the conditions will be shittier. France are delicate skilled players who won’t adapt well in a crazy pressure situation where they have to mentally overcome.
Germany d. France 3-1.
