It’s Tuesday and that means it is time for TOP TEN TUESDAY!!!! This week: The Top Ten Greatest Explorers Ever. I’m going to be using my grade school knowledge of things, so no controversy really. “Oh, but he wasn’t there first, blah blah, cry and whine!” Sorry, this is pop culture like. Only better because I ignore everything I don’t know about.
1. Neil Armstrong
First guy to ever walk on the moon. That’s it. Yes, there was a whole crew and all that shit. Don’t care. HE. WALKED. ON. THE. FUCKING. MOON. It may be the single greatest accomplishment in human history. He’s #1.
2. Marco Polo
I’m pretty sure he discovered Asia. Or at least spices and shit. Maybe opium. He gets to be #2 because we all played a game in swimming pools using his name thus giving us an excuse to “Ooops, I didn’t mean to grab your boob.” (note: that’s a fiction because no girl in high school would’ve ever been near me while in a swimming suit)
3. Christopher Columbus
(NOT Leif Erikson as he just raped people unlike Columbus who also raped the land)
He discovered America, the greatest country there ever was. Because of him, Indians had a proper name (“Indian”) and democracy and blankets were spread throughout this savage, untamed continent. He also found the place that would one day beat Hitler. Impressive.
4. Lewis and Clark
Using only a knife and one piece of beef jerky, they mapped out the Western part of the United States after Thomas Jefferson won it from the French in a game of dice. Without them, no one would know anything about Nebraska.
First guy to go around the world. He would be higher but I think he died midway through the trip. Still an impressive feat because he can be the first head of a ship to die but have his dead body go around the earth.
6. Amelia Earhart
Flew an airplane so far that no one ever saw her again. She could be in Mexico; she could be on Mars.
7. The Mars Rover
Not a person but if we only limit things to people that’s being species-ist. The first thing from Earth to land on another planet. Wasn’t gay like R2-D2 so that’s a bonus.
8. Amerigo Vespucci
I don’t know if he explored much but he had the brains to name TWO continents after himself. That lone makes him awesome and instantly increased the size of his dick. “What did you son do?” “Oh, he just HAS TWO CONTINENTS NAMED AFTER HIMSELF! SUCK ON THAT, BEATRICE! Boom, I also just got Rummy. Suck it.”
She HELPED Lewis and Clark but was probably annoying and had to pee every five minutes. But, she was on US currency which is cool. Also: we needed another woman.
10. Jacques Cousteau
Not going to lie, I originally didn’t realize he was a real person and instead thought he was just part of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and had been created by Jules Verne. Did a bunch of really cool stuff with boats.