This show is terrible. I wish I had every hour of my life back that I spent watching this tripe.
Here’s the literal exact summary of this episode as it appeared on my cable box: “After being humiliated by Vincent’s new flame (Ashley Benson), Ruthie finds Martin’s girlfriend lying on the floor of the school bathroom. Meanwhile, an amorous Kevin is frustrated by Lucy’s obsession with Savannah…” Eight fucking characters are mentioned, and only two are goddam Camdens.
So I tuned in about 20 minutes into the episode, and it’s such an abortion I can’t even imagine who green lit this… Oh wait, sadly I know exactly who did, and her name is Brenda Hampton, the executive producer. I didn’t even have to IMDB that.
Nine minutes in, and I haven’t seen a Camden kid. Finally, Matt shows up in New York randomly to discuss something with Mary’s husband Carlos. They are getting a divorce, I guess because Jessica Biel bailed on the series in 2003 to star in such blockbuster movies as Summer Catch and Blade: Trinity. Spoiler Alert: I guess they never go through with the divorce since in the Series finale Mary does a cameo as Mary Rivera, so she either didn’t get the divorce or is too lazy to go to the DMV to get her name changed back. Hey, she has a budding career as a flight attendant to protect and I can see how changing your last name could work against you in an industry where people only refer to you as “ma’am” and “hun.”
Smash cut to some blonde nine year old that’s not a Camden exiting a movie with some old guy who’s not a Camden parent, or even a recurring character. The kid wants to be adopted by this guy, but here’s the catch, he also wants his sister to be adopted too. More to come…
Back at the Camden house, Sam and David sleepwalk through their lines and complain that Martin is moving out. Well, he’s just moving to the guest house across the street, because you know, Christian pastors embezzle so much money they can afford a guest house. The phone rings and some beautiful blonde kid named Vincent and Martin have a conversation about Ruthie. Now I’m getting some wood…
Then we see Simon. He has a conversation with some babe about NOT fucking. Seriously. The chick wants to fuck and he’s all like, “Well I can’t because, ya know, Jesus hates recreational orgasms. It’s basically all he talks about in his book. That, and hating fags.”
Then Matt makes a phone call to the rev, who is sitting at his desk on his computer, presumably exchanging child pornography with Jared from Subway. They yak about Mary and nothing happens.
Back to the unnamed old dude… He’s on the phone with somebody back selling the storyline about the kid wanting to be adopted, and who should come rolling in, the kid’s big sister. I say rolling, because she’s in a wheelchair, and has MD, MS, or ALS, or some shit that us ugly American’s pretended to care about for five seconds while we video taped ourselves wasting water. “Hey Africa, check this shit out. We have so much extra cold drinking water, we literally pour it over our head and then mockingly challenge fictional characters to do the same.” I also like this bit, “Hey Mexico. We have so much money in America, we toss our spare change into a watering hole and pretend magic happens if we think about magic happening in our brain at the same time.” Or this, “Hey North Korea. You know those things with four legs you eat because you’re starving to death? Ya, the dogs. I have two dogs that I only feed organic, non-GMO food, and let sleep in bed with me. In fact, my California King sized bed isn’t big enough, so I purchased an extra twin bed to butt up against my bed so my dogs can have extra space.” That would be funny if it weren’t also true. Back to the show… It’s very obvious that the man who was thinking about adopting the boy is now having second thoughts because he is clearly getting bamboozled in this deal. “Ya, I’d like to help this boy out, but not if I also have to help out this diaper wearing goblin.”
Then we see ANOTHER phone conversation between Lucy and her husband Kevin, the cop. My god, could you find a more wooden actor to play Kevin than George Stults? Oh right, they did, when they cast his fucking real life brother Geoff Stults. The fucking boyfriends are far more relevant in this episode than any of the kids. Why did this show fall off the rails? Oh right. The last few seasons should have been called 35th Heaven because the cast was shitting out characters faster than the Duggers.
Then I couldn’t take anymore so I turned it off and made a bunch of bets on college basketball on my phone.
Seriously, 7th Heaven must have been written by the most affluent, non-problem having people on the planet: The Norwegians. It’s so fucking lily white it makes a Klan meeting look like a scene from Soul Plane. There is literally no drama. None of their problems are actually real. “My girlfriend got light headed because she thinks she’s fat so she skipped lunch. Whoa is me.” Or, “My sister is getting a divorce. Waaaaah!” Boo hoo. Pussies.
What’s really sad is that I spent about an hour writing this review of only ONE FUCKING SEGMENT of the entire hour long show. By the end, I was begging for Tony Schiavone to tell me, “We’re all out of time, the tape machines are rolling…”
Fucking tape machines. @PeachMachine
