“It doesn’t matter what you think!” Said a famous wrestler who had to wear a shirt to hide his bitch tits.
He could (but wasn’t) have been saying this to film makers everywhere, because the fact is whatever you intended your films to be about the audience will take it away from you and add their own mythology in the form of fan theories. Like the idea that Ferris Bueller is actually a figment of the imagination of his friend Cameron (which doesn’t really work for me) or that Marty Mcfly has died many times and the professor has already gone back and altered history to save him each time (which really does work for me.)
But for me the most brilliant and intriguing is the one that claims James Bond is not one agent but is actually a code name used by many different 007’s over the years.
It’s not just a cool theory it actually ties all the films into a single timeline, as well as filling some major plot holes that have occurred throughout the years. It explains why James Bond’s personality has differed greatly depending on who was playing him, with some versions distinctively more rapey than others. As well as why Bond seems to defy ageing unlike M, Q and Miss Moneypenny.
So here’s my timeline and interpretation on the theories, because I’ve actually spent time watching a ton of Bond films with all of this in mind you know. It’s amazing what you can do when you’re single and don’t have kids or friends to distract you.
The first 007 we meet is of course Connery Bond, the most rapey of all of them (take his treatment of Pussy Galore and his blackmail based forcing himself on the nurse in Thunderball). We follow his adventures where he kills a variety of bad guys along with technicians and industrial workers who were probably unaware they were working for evil organisations for five films. In between films “you only live twice” and “on Her Majesty’s secret service” Connery Bond either quits, is injured or takes time off while HR investigates probably a hundred claims of sexual harassment against him.
Lazenby Bond is given the James Bond codename and has a very different personality, he even makes a remark “this never happened to the other fella” which is not just a breaking of the fourth wall moment it’s actually a clue that this is a different agent all together. The biggest clue is that Lazenby Bond actually falls in love and gets married, something the Connery Bond would never have done.
Now there is a scene where Lazenby Bond goes through his desk and takes out trinkets from all of the past films. This could be said to suggest he is the same Bond, however I think that he’s going through his predecessors’ desk and thinking “God what a weirdo that guy was keeping all this crap!” If he’d gone into another desk he’d have probably found five films worth of knickers from all the Bond girls he nailed.
The various Bond theory also closes a massive plot hole in OHMSS, that being when he and Spectre boss Blofeld meet in the mountains. Bond goes undercover to infiltrate Blofeld’s lair, which is ridiculous as Bond is well known to Spectre. Not to mention the fact that Bond and Blofeld met in the previous film “You only Live Twice” yet neither recognise each other. However if we accept that the Bond Spectre knew was Connery Bond and Lazenby is an altogether new Bond then this is neatly explained.
OHMSS was the only appearance with Lazenby as Bond, as his agent reckoned the Bond franchise was dying and the real future of cinema lay in arthouse movies, so yay that guy sure knew his stuff. However for storyline purposes here I’m speculating Lazenby Bond goes insane with grief or commits suicide after the death of his wife at the hands of Blofeld. Hence Connery Bond returns to the mantle and goes after Blofeld himself, maybe as a matter of honour for messing with the 007’s.
Now the viewer’s assumption is that Bond is going after Blofeld in revenge for his wife, however it should be pointed out that in “Diamonds are forever” there is no mention of Bond having being married, no hint that he’s grieving, in fact he’s quite happily back to scoring with tarts. M is also pretty heartless referring to Bond’s pursuit of Blofeld as a petty vendetta, I mean for fucks sake this is supposedly his wife who was killed M and you were at the wedding.!
Once again we can explain all this by accepting it wasn’t Connery Bond that got married.
Between films Connery quits again or is killed and a younger Moore Bond takes on the mantle. Once again this is a distinctly different Bond, bit creepy with women but decidedly less rapey than Connery Bond (although the bit in Spy Who Loved Me, with what may be an Arabian Sex slave is a bit disturbing, especially with that serial killer like look in his eye. Watch the film it’s really weird).
Moore Bond is there for seven films and does feature what some show as evidence disproving the multiple Bonds theory and stating that Moore Bond is at least the same man as Lazenby Bond.
First is in Spy who Loved Me, where Russian agent and wife of Ringo Starr Anya Amasova recites his history and how he was married once and his wife killed to which Bond immediately reacts and cuts her off in a rare display of vulnerability. However there is no mention of the wife by name or the details of her death. Therefore it could be by coincidence that Moore Bond also lost a wife, or he was simply playing along as the Russians aren’t aware of the Bond code name.
Later in “For your eyes only” Moore Bond is seen visiting the grave of Teresa Bond, which again would suggest he is the same Bond as Lazenby Bond. However Moore Bond is silent the whole time and there is no actual evidence to prove what the actual connection or his reason for visiting the grave is. It’s fun to speculate that perhaps Moore Bond has a separate family connection to Teresa, perhaps even as close as being her brother.
Another possibility is presented with what happens next, as Bond is attacked by a bald guy in a wheelchair with a white cat who is definitely not Blofeld due to copywrite and legal reasons. Whoever he is he’s obviously got a grudge against Bond and my speculation is that Moore Bond went to the grave of Lazenby Bond as a way to draw out this villain into making a move so he could be caught.
Again Moore Bond after “View to a kill” retires or is killed and is replaced by Dalton Bond and later Brosnan Bond. There is no way these can be the same Bond we first saw in Dr No as they are clearly too young. Also they are again both very different personalities, in that they are in no way rapey and are on the whole a lot more respectful and less caveman like when it comes to seducing women. Not only that but they are far more nicer to Q who the other Bonds were frankly a complete twat towards.
Are you still reading this? Well God bless ya, there’s some good stuff coming up.
Skip along four years and we meet Craig Bond, who there is no way can be the other Bonds as he’s again way too young and actually only becomes a 00 as the film starts which is definitely set in the modern day as there are references to the end of the cold war and 9/11.
“Casino Royale” can be seen as being a reboot of the franchise, however it can also be viewed as a continuation since it retains Judi Dench as M from the Brosnan Bond films. So Craig Bond could be just the latest Bond to take on the mantle……that is if it wasn’t for the massive monkey wrench thrown into the theory by Skyfall.
Skyfall is the first film to give the Bond character any kind of background or to visit his childhood in anyway. Here Craig Bond returns to his childhood home of Skyfall, meets groundskeeper Kincaide who has known him since a boy and calls him James and we also see the graves of his parents who are clearly called Bond.
So that’s it then, no way Craig Bond be part of this multiple Bond theory. Right? Well not when I’m having so much fun and a bit of imagination can be used. You see after Skyfall someone came up with the theory that Craig Bond wasn’t actually born James Bond, that he’s actually been the recipient of brain washing by the British Secret Service.
Don’t go, sit back downm you’ve come this far but you’re going to have to work with me a bit here and give that third eye a clean.
My adaptation of this theory is that MI5 decided to take the James Bond codename a step further and actually brainwash orphan children into actually becoming James Bond and be moulded into the perfect agents. Skyfall mansion along with the gravestones are part of that brainwashing procedure and Kincaid an agent tasked with that brainwashing and training of the young Craig Bond.
It’s a stretch but there are scenes in Skyfall that can be made to fit into this scenario.
There’s something spooky about Skyfall, desolate, deserted and forgotten yet still curiously watched over by Kincaid. When Bond is taking part in the word association as part of his psychological evaluation and Skyfall comes up there is a sense of unease by M and the other observers as if this is touchy subject. Bond’s reaction is to go into a weird trance and walk out of the evaluation. There’s also a remark from Kincaid that when he “told” Bond his parents had died (note he says he only “told” him and not that they actually had) he’d hidden for days in the tunnels at Skyfall and when he had come out he had changed and was a man. I’m treating this as a metaphor for Craig Bond’s re-programming at Kincaid’s hands (I’m getting good at this).
Skyfall does have an actual link to the previous Bond mythology with the reappearance of the Aston Martin from the Connery era. Craig’s ownership of what is hinted at as a relic of espionage from year’s past is curious, but even more telling is the gleeful destruction inflicted on it by Skyfall’s main villain Raoul Silva, as if he has some personal grudge against it.
There are actually plenty of fan theories concerning Raoul, who’s background is mysterious as is the sins he talks of regarded M. I’m just going to put this out there, I think he is either one of the previous Bonds himself or the many secrets he stole included those relating to the history of the James Bond project.
There’s a moment in Skyfall where Raoul sees the Bond gravestones and he reacts with bizarre amusement almost hysterical. I’m reading into this that he knows the graves as well as Skyfall are all a fraud.
I’m writing all this because I love this theory and in a few weeks time I’ve a feeling it’s all going to be irreparably undone by whatever happens in the new Spectre movie.
Which is why I am now going to give my ridiculously overblown and totally irrational premise for how that Spectre film should have been done.
DAZZA’S PITCH FOR SPECTRE THAT IS PROBABLY HAPPENING IN SOME ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE WHICH IS WHERE I WANT TO LIVE
My idea is that Daniel Craig Bond somehow comes across the truth about the “Bond Programme” that we’ve established, just as a mysterious figure has reformed Spectre and begun tracking down and killing the previous Bonds.
Craig Bond ends up racing to find the other Lazenby, Moore, Dalton and Brosnan Bonds and teams up with them to battle Spectre. When the big showdown comes with Spectre it turns out that the new head of the group is non other than….wait for it…..CONNERY BOND! Tell me that wouldn’t be shitting awesome.
Oh yeah and he’s recruited Oddjob, Jaws, Donald Grant (Robert Shaw in From Russia with Love), Mr Wint and Mr Kidd, Irma Bunt, Baron Samedi (the vodoo gut from Live and Let Die), Scaramanga, Sean Bean and all the other cool henchmen for a big battle with all the Bonds (I realise some are dead but if we can work around the Fast and Furious guy dying mid filming we can work around this).
Look tell me you wouldn’t go see this! And the beauty of it is we can kill off Craig Bond at the end and leave the way clear for Idris Elba Bond and we have an explanation on why Bond is now black.
One things for sure I’d give it a better theme tune than that shite Sam Smith song.
Maybe next I’ll explain why the Star Wars Prequels never actually happened.
Wasting my life for your entertainment.