T-Mobile Arena (seriously?)
Las Vegas, NV
Hi. This is coverage of UFC 219. No one but us is going to watch this show, admit it. Let’s read.
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Cris Cyborg (c) vs. Holly Holm
UFC Women’s Featherweight Championship
What Happened?
Should You Watch?
Khabib Nurmagomedov vs. Edson Barboza
Lightweight
What Happened?
It’s been more than a year since we last saw Khabib, who absolutely THROTTLED Michael Johnson at UFC 205 in one of the most one-sided maulings you’ll ever see in the Octagon. After pulling out of an Interim Lightweight Championship scrap with Tony Ferguson earlier this year, Nurmagomedov finally re-enters the cage to duke it out with battle-tested Edson Barboza, who is currently riding a three-fight winning streak in what is quite possibly the most talent-glutted division in all of MMA. Unless Conor McGregor makes a big announcement real soon, it’s pretty much a lock that whoever wins this one will be taking on Tony Ferguson at some point in 2018 – the smart money’s on Khabib, of course, but stellar upsets do seem to be quite the norm this time of year …
Barboza comes out to some metal-sounding shit. Is it Sepultura? Or Killswitch Engage? Or, uh, Mudvayne? Man, metal sure does suck nowadays. Meanwhile, Khabib comes out to – like, Tatu or Enya or some shit like that. How very Fedor-esque of him.
LOL at Motel 6 having a partnership with the UFC, complete with the cringey beyond words co-branded slogan “Ready to tap out? Stay in one of our rooms!” or whatever bullshit Bruce Buffer just said. Barboza gets a surprisingly loud pop from the crowd while Khabib gets a considerably more mixed reaction. Shit, Khabib’s wife just had a baby this afternoon. Barboza wisely going for inside leg kicks. Barboza starting to back pedal. Khabib shoots for a takedown. And Barboza just barely escapes. Khabib chases him down, peppers him with a combo and a knee and trips Edgar. Khabib is in the full mount and he is just CLOBBERING Barboza. But to his credit, Barboza is hanging in there. Now the fans are chanting for Khabib. Khabib lands a HUGE punch in side control. Khabib is just pounding this motherfucker. Khabib in side control again, and he’s punching the shit out of Barboza’s spleen. Khabib briefly has a choke in, but he loses it and just punches the fuck out of Barboza from the full mount ’til the round ends.
Round two. Barboza’s corner sounds like Apollo Creed’s crew during the Ivan Drago fight in Rocky IV. Barboza’s face is all fucked up. Khabib with a low kick and a high kick. Barboza lands a high kick. Khabib unleashes a bombardment of jabs. Khabib with a big kick and he works for a takedown against the cage. And we’ve got separation. Barboza lands a good combo. Khabib lands several rights and he gets another takedown. Khabib is in the full mount and Edson is FUCKED. Khabib is clobbering him with lefts. He’s landed at least 20 unanswered shots now. And all Barboza can do is hang on for dear life until the bell sounds.
Round three. If this thing goes to the judges, Khabib might win 30-20 across the boards. Edson whiffs on a flying knee out the gate. Khabib with a great combo. Khabib shoots for a takedown. He almost has it. Khabib has a vice grip around Edson’s waist. Jon Anik imagines what’s going through Barboza’s head. “I knew this guy was good, but goddamn!” Barboza is back to his feet. Khabib has LITERALLY landed 100 more strikes than Barboza so far. Edson lands a spinning kick to the head. OK, that made me jump out of my chair a little. And like that, Khabib says “fuck your dreams” and secures an easy takedown. Ninety seconds left. Barboza continues to eat punch after punch. Edson gets to his feet and lands a knee, but Khabib doesn’t even bother selling it. And that’s all she wrote, folks.
Khabib dons his trademark blonde afro thingy that I’m pretty sure has some sort of major sociopolitical meaning in Russia. The judges have it 30-25, 30-25 and 30-24 to give Khabib the unanimous decision victory.
In the post fight, Khabib says he wants either McGregor or Ferguson and calls his trainer “a real Mexican gangster.” But he says McGregor won’t fight him until he runs out of money, which might be awhile. They HAVE to do Khabib/Ferguson next. They just have to.
Should You Watch?
Jimmie Rivera vs. John Lineker
Cynthia Calvillo vs. Carla Esparza
Women’s Strawweight
What Happened?
Calvillo (it’s pronounced COW-VEAL-YO, in case you were wondering) is undefeated as a pro fighter, with a spotless 3-0 record in the Octagon. Calvillo looks to chalk up her FIFTH professional win of 2017 when she goes toe-to-cameltoe with cagey veteran Carla Esparza, who was last seen decisioning Maryna Moroz back in June. Also, as a pure aside, holy hell, does Esparza look like that transchild from I Am Jazz. Go on ahead – just look at ’em side-by-side and tell me they ain’t the spitting image of one ‘nother.
Esparza comes out to “Bodies” by Drowning Pool, which is just about the tackiest, gaudiest and most outdated song anybody could come out to. Yet Calvillo somehow manages to do her one better by coming out to “Jump Around” by House of Pain. To quote Todd Flanders, “ow my freaking ears!”
Esparza also has this weird looking plastic ponytail holder in her hair. It looks like she’s wearing a colander on her head – I’m kinda’ surprised they let her take that shit with her into the Octagon. Both broads come out swinging and it’s beautiful. Also, they look fucking identical from my vantage point, so this shit’s gonna’ be confusing as hell. Esparza with a good leg kick and they have another quick slug fest. Calvillo lands a takedown. She’s in the full mount. She switches to side control. And yep, she hops back in the full mount. We’ve got some fierce vagina grinding going on now. Esparza’s looking for an arm bar. And she loses it. Calvillo hops back into side control. Esparza lands some elbows to the noggin. Now Calvillo is pounding Esparza’s kidneys with knees. Esparza goes for a no-armed triangle but she can’t get it. Calvillo pounds the fuck out of Esparza, grabs her back, we’ve got a scramble and amazingly, Esparza ends the round on top and ALMOST ready to start raining down some hurting bombs.
Round two. Esparza lands flush with a right hand to begin. Calvillo fires back with a great counter right. Esparza with another good combo. Calvillo clips her. Esparza goes for a takedown and Calvillo knees her in the stomach. Esparza with another counter right. And Esparza gets another good combo. Esparza grapevines the leg and gets a takedown. Both women are back up. Esparza barely connects on a right. Esparza with another takedown but Calvillo is right back up. She shoots for one more takedown at the bell.
Round three. Esparza has a giant gash on her forehead. Calvillo lands a right. They bang again, but nobody comes away the clear winner. Calvillo crushes Esparza up against the cage. Calvillo gets a good right on the separation. Esparza with a dainty leg kick. And another one, except a little bit harder. Esparza connects on a Superwoman punch. Calvillo lands a left, and Esparza pummels her back with a right. Calvillo grabs Esparza’s leg and shoots for a takedown. Esparza goes for a guillotine and pops Calvillo with another right. Esparza with another great combo. And Esparza lands yet another takedown. Calvillo pops right back up. And in the last ten seconds, Esparza just fucking unloads on Calvillo and it’s fucking great.
It’s 29-28 across the board to give Esparza the unanimous decision victory. In the post-fight, Esparza’s tank top is spattered with blood. The fans start booing her halfway through her interview, but the cheer for her when she’s finished her spiel. Well, that was weird.
Should You Watch?
Carlos Condit vs. Neil Magny
Welterweight
What Happened?
The last time we saw Condit in action it was August 2016, when he got subbed by Demian Maia. He’s gunning to chalk up his first in-cage win since May 2015 when he returns to action against Neil Magny, who was last seen at UFC 215 getting arm-triangled like a motherfucker by Rafael dos Anjos. It’s no doubt gonna’ be a long crawl before either of these two fighters can rightly be considered title contender material, but hey – the longest of journeys begins but with one step, doesn’t it?
LOL at Anik calling Magny “a division staple.” Shit, why don’t you just come out and call him a fucking doorkeeper while you’re at it? Magny comes out to that there rapping music and Anik blows ALL our minds when he tells us Neil has the second most wins in the UFC since 2013. Oh goddamn, Netflix MADE Condit come out to a song that’s in Bright. This is why corporate synergy is the fuckin’ devil, kids.
Condit with an early leg kick. He whiffs on a combo and kick to the sternum. Magny grabs Condit’s leg and pushes him down. Condit grapevines Magny’s leg while Magny’s standing and Magny hops in the full guard. Magny lifts Condit in a power bomb position and PUNCHES Condit with a free hand before he lightly drops him to the mat. We’re standing again and Magny is peppering Condit with punches in the clinch. The two exchange knees, and we have separation. Magny with leg kicks and Condit whiffs on another would-be haymaker. Condit barely connects on a one-two combo and misses by a mile on a spin kick. Condit dodges a big Magny punch and Magny pops him in the stomach. Condit FINALLY manages to land a combo. Magny grabs his leg on a kick attempt and the two momentarily clinch against the cage. Condit with a good combo and a spinning kick to end the round.
Round two. Condit is bleeding from his nose and his lip. Condit with a kick to the torso, but he didn’t get all of it. Condit lands a decent combo and front kick to the bread basket. Magny lands a front kick, grabs Condit’s leg AGAIN and bullies him up against the cage. Magny has a body lock and he’s throwing knees. Magny slams Condit to the ground and Condit tries to grab a leg lock. Magny is up and he’s almost in the full guard. Condit gets back to his feet and makes Magny eat an elbow. Condit whiffs on yet another spin kick. Condit lands a big right and gets his hooks in Magny. Now Magny’s looking for another takedown. He slams Condit’s ass hard again. Condit trying for an arm bar. He loses it as the bell sounds.
Round three. Magny lands several kicks to the stomach. Condit has a big cut on his shoulder blade, somehow. Condit chases Magny down but all he can do is land a shitty looking kick to the midsection when he finally sees an opening. Condit misses by a mile on a flying knee. Magny shoots for another takedown. Magny lets go of the clinch and lands a solid right before separating. Condit lands a combo, and he unloads on Magny against the cage. Alas, Neil rebounds almost immediately. Magny lands another hard right. Condit connects on a rather effete looking spin kick. Magny catches Condit’s leg AGAIN and pops Condit on the titties. Condit throws a wild barrage with a minute left and doesn’t connect on anything. Magny lands another takedown, and Condit gets about five seconds standing to do absolutely nothing before the round ends.
It’s two 30-27s and one 29-28 for Magny. In the post-fight, Magny says he wants somebody ranked in the top five next. Yeah – that ain’t happening.
Should You Watch?
Dan Hooker vs. Marc Diakiese
Lightweight
What Happened?
Dan Hooker is pretty much the epitome of the modern day UFC journeyman. The guy’s been in the promotion since 2014 and has had seven fights in the Octagon, but for the life of me I can’t name a single one of them (indeed, I’m not even sure I’d be able to pick him out of a police line-up, for that matter.) Anyhoo, he gets to test his mettle against exciting Congolese up-and-comer Marc Diakiese, who hopes to rebound from his upset loss against Drakkar Klose earlier this year with a big win here tonight. Of all the fights on the PPV portion of the show, this one seems the most likely to produce a highlight reel knockout – of course, from which end said highlight reel knockout is gonna’ come is anybody’s guess.
Marc is basically the anorexic version of DADA 5000, right down to the bright red mohawk. Meanwhile, Dan Hooker is the most generic looking white guy of all time, and considering this is the same company that employs Daniel Kelly, that’s saying something.
Marc has one of the weirdest stances I’ve ever seen, and I’m not limiting that to MMA. Both men keeping their distance. Hooker with some front kicks to keep Marc at range. Marc whiffs on an awesome-looking spin kick. I mean, that shit was Double Dragon caliber. Hooker with a leg kick. Marc goes for the spin kick again and Hooker almost catches his leg in mid-air. Marc is doing pirouettes now. Marc with a good kick to the body on a switch. Marc grabs Hooker’s leg but he can’t complete the takedown. We’ve got a mad scramble and Hooker lands a takedown. They clinch against the cage as the bell sounds.
Round two. Joe calls the audience “meat heads” for booing the last round. Marc with a leg kick and he’s throwing loopy punches like crazy. He lands a big left hook on Hooker. Marc with another well-timed left. Hooker clinches Marc against the cage. Anik ask Cruz if he will name his next dog “underhook” and whether or not fighters can hear the fans boo in the cage during a fight. Hooker has Marc’s back. He’s got one hook in. Now he has a body triangle in. Hooker’s eye is busted open. Marc starts stomping Hooker’s leg with his free foot and the crowd is shitting all over this fight. The ref says he will stand ’em up unless they start doing something. Marc finally spins out and hops into the full guard with 15 seconds left. But that’s not enough time to do shit.
Round three. Oh goddamn. Marc shoots for a takedown, Hooker grabs him, slaps a guillotine on him and makes his ass TAP!
The official time is just 42 seconds of round three. Hooker says he wants to fight at UFC 221 in Perth and he asks the crowd if they want to see him fight again so soon and everybody boos. Man, that was fucking fantastic.
Should You Watch?
UFC 219 Free Live Stream (of consciousness) Results & Recap
(If anything is in BOLD, it is the winner)
- Women’s Featherweight Cris Cyborg (c) vs. Holly Holm
- Lightweight Khabib Nurmagomedov vs. Edson Barboza
- Women’s Strawweight Cynthia Calvillo vs. Carla Esparza
- Welterweight Carlos Condit vs. Neil Magny
- Lightweight Dan Hooker vs. Marc Diakiese
- Light Heavyweight Khalil Rountree vs. Michał Oleksiejczuk
- Featherweight Myles Jury vs. Rick Glenn
- Flyweight Louis Smolka vs. Matheus Nicolau
- Middleweight Marvin Vettori vs. Omari Akhmedov
- Bantamweight Tim Elliott vs. Mark De La Rosa
UFC 219 Products to Buy
