DONALD FUCKING TRUMP IS GOING TO SPEAK FOR OVER AN HOUR ON PRIMETIME TV!
If that doesn’t get you excited, I don’t know what will. I’ll take that over chocolate and whipped crème (or is it whipped cream?) and naked women and all three of those mixed together.
(Look, kids, when you get to a certain age, you reprioritize your life, ok?)
It is the 2018 State of the Union address, one of the few things in the Constitution that is mandatory. I’m sure it mattered once upon a time – no idea why else ol’ Tommy J. and James M. would have bothered with it otherwise* – but now it serves as a comical farce. The President will say, “I want to cut taxes” and all the Republicans will stand and cheer, then he’ll say, “I want to abort babies” and all the Democrats will stand and cheer, before adding, “And I’d like to create a system where political parties have less influence, D.C. matters little in the lives of everyday Americans, and being a politician is seen as a burden and not a path to riches” and no one will say a word.
*Yes, they’re the only two who contributed to writing anything involving this great nation’s founding.
But this is Trump, man. Donald. Fucking. Trump. With a live mic and a captive audience. I’m hard at that thought, just throbbing and pulsating out of my jeans: HARD.
- Will someone get a nickname?
- Will he simply read the entire Russian Memo?
- Perhaps he’ll start off by saying, “Rocket Man is no more as of now” before dropping a nuke, unannounced?
- Does he take time to finally acknowledge Eminem – who so clearly and desperately is thirsty for some Trump dick?
I don’t know, you don’t know, no one knows but we’re all gonna find out together.
The State of the Union 2018: TRUMP EDITION
And come by later (maybe tomorrow) as Mr. Swift and I talk about politics on another edition of Human Wreckage!