@MichaelCoughlin @HalfGuarded
Jon Jones is no more; long live John Jones fighter of men. Answering the age old question of John Jones Fight or Flight, Jon Jones, professional Mixed Martial Artist for the Ultimate Fighting Championship of Men Who Are Half Naked and Appeal to Those Who Cannot Spell (UFCMWAHNATWCS for short), chose Flight as he announced that he was tired of having his name drug, err, dragged through the mud and as such will now be known as John Jones.
“‘Jon Jones is in car with underage girls as he gets into an accident’ ‘Jon Jones flees scene of the crime’ ‘Jon Jones pokes people in the eye’ it all gets to be a bit boring,” said the former UFCMWAHNATWCS LightHeavyweight Champion who Googles himself multiple times an hour to see if there’s any news.
“‘Expected John Jones Fight soon as attempted murder charges go away’ doesn’t come up that much when I misspell my name, so I’m going with that.” The now John Jones UFC Fighter hopes that future searches for his name will reveal a love of puppies, baking, macrame, and soda pop.
“‘John Jones coke lover’ would sound good to me. I love coke. It’s delicious and while I make sure not to drink too many of them during the day, because I believe in good dental care, a little coke never hurt anyone.”
The now John Jones had been known as Jon Jones for years, leading many to question the intelligence of his parents. Said one friend, off the record, “John. I mean, who misspells that in the first place? It’s in the fucking Bible! And he has Bible shit tattooed on his body, so I’m sure he’s at least seen the book.”
John Jones religion and bible lover at large could not confirm to us that he had in fact read the Holy Tome and would not answer questions that his infamous tattoo came from seeing a bumper sticker.
“It did,” continued said friend. “We all asked him why and he was all quiet until one of us realized he was a huge Sixers fan growing up and thought it said Philadelphia. Now you know why John Jones tattoo looks the way it does.”
As this author wrapped up, another friend of John Jones attacked said reporter, jumping from the bushes, and volunteering more information.
“No, seriously. What Greg Jackson just said is all true. We still don’t know how his mom messed up JOHN! Who misses the ‘H’ in the name?” said the man who only winked when asked his name. “I mean, good for him, as we know this will help his public image, ya know? And Jon, I mean, John is a smart guy. A lot smarter than people give him credit for. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’d been planning this for years. Shit, did you see how he was able to get all those drugs out of the car before the cops came? You didn’t? Exactly.”
John Jones next opponent is unknown at this time.
“When John Jones returns, you’ll know,” said Jones, who now only refers to himself in the third person. “John Jones net worth is gonna go way way up after John Jones career is done and John Jones retires.”
Insiders have speculated that Victor Belfort might receive another shot but were unsure due to the John Jones arrest situation.
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