You’re gonna need one so you might as well find one you like: a wife.
It isn’t quite the same for folks who need a husband. You’re better off not having one than having a bad one. A bad husband can end a life; a bad wife makes you want to end your own. People aren’t explicit about it but it’s a Truth nonetheless: the man can kill the woman with his bare hands and they’re going to be alone and naked together, so she better really trust him, when it’s all said and done.
But guys? You’re gonna need a wife. Not to fill all those Old School gender role stereotypes but to help you with yours. See, women are complicated in ways men aren’t, so applying stereotypes to them will often lead to folly: they can shoot guns and spit and be a lawyer just as well as any man, while they can also play with flowers and bake pies like a Baba from the Old Country. Women are complicated and multifaceted. Men fart. And, as a man, you’re gonna need someone to show you when and where to fart, as our sex never seems to learn this lesson on our own. That lack of farting will open new doors for you to a house filled with rooms of wealth and status. But you have to stop farting, so find a good wife.
Ladies. Be a good wife, if you’re gonna be with a man. If you’re not gonna be with a man, go be the best you possible. But, if you’re gonna be with one of us, know what you’re getting into, help us out, and stop giving us cocaine when we’re trying to quit.