48 hours after retiring, Floyd Mayweather Jr, largely considered by himself to be the best boxer who ever lived, has announced that he’s ending his retirement.
“To be honest, I just felt like I had more to accomplish in this sport,” Mayweather told the stunned crowd of reporters. “49-0 just feels weird, you know?”
When asked if his return was in any way fueled by a desire to make another hundred million dollars, Mayweather responded, “What? Nah. I have so much money I can’t even count it all. Really. Like, I get past twenty and I’m done. Sometimes I get to thirty if someone else is around and I can use their hands too.”
Instead, Mayweather offered a far more logical reason: he doesn’t like the number 49.
“Look at it. I know I have my issues with OCD but who wouldn’t prefer 50 to 49? 50 is a nice round number. 49 seems like you died in mid-sentence and I don’t want anyone to think I’m dead,” said the current WCBFA Super-Middle-Ultra-Interim-Lightweight Champion.
“Rocky who?” was Mayweather’s response when pressed about the long held belief that Mayweather, who was born Money Mayweather but chose to legally change his name to Floyd after being teased in the 5th grade, would seek to retire at 50-0, surpassing the “Holy Grail” of boxing records, Rocky Marciano’s 49-0 career.
“He’s a fucking movie character, stupid.” A disgusted Mayweather then added that he loved the Expendables but didn’t know why he would have to beat up a movie.
“But, whatever. Fuck it. I’ll fight a movie if I have to. The thrill of competition motivates me,” said Mayweather while throwing stacks of hundred dollar bills as women.
Amongst boxing historians and mistaken Robert DeNiro fans, the 49-0 mark has long been seen as untouchable. Marciano was the former heavyweight champion of the world who retired as champion and was undefeated after the mob pressured every newspaper in America to not report 15 losses Marciano suffered. Marciano died after being stabbed in a bar fight by 5 men.
“Him? No, that doesn’t count. He was white, ya know? Like, who the fuck believes a small white guy was great?”
To this, most of the boxing press murmured in agreement.
“Retirement is killing me already. I’m bored. I like to stay active. I can’t become a do nothing bitch.”
As a result of his return, it is expected Mayweather would not be as active in the Las Vegas nightlife scene as he will need to resume his normal training pattern of waking up friends at 3 a.m. so he can punch them in the face.
In unrelated news, strippers throughout Las Vegas and shelters that take in battered women breathed a sigh of relief.