Male Masturbation banned in Texas. GOP leaders look to charge masturbaters with mass murder.

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Austin, TX-

GOP lawmakers are taking the right to life movement to another level. After banning 6 week abortions, Governor Abbott will be signing legislation banning males from masturbating unless they are donating sperm. Anyone else will be charged with mass murder.

The bill, dubbed “The Keep The Hog Clogged” act, will go into affect later this month, just in time for the holidays. However, several men’s groups oppose the law and will be fighting its implementation.

Harry Palmer, head of the “Committee of United Meat Rubbers” (C.U.M.R) is partnering with Mike Ristflicker, chairman of the “Society of Persons Engaging in Wacking” (S.P.E.W) to fight the bill.

“We will not stand for this. It is our body and our choice. Sperm don’t have a heart beat, they don’t laugh or cry, they just sit there in our testicles and throb on a lonely Friday night. It’s my job to release them from the prison that is my balls since NOBODY ELSE WILL! Not even after dinner, a movie, and the fuckin stuffed Koala I won in the crane machine game. Do you know how hard it is to win those things? I dropped 8 dollars on that stupid thing and I don’t even get to keep the fuckin Koala, I LOVE KOALAS!!” Said Mr. Palmer

Chairman Rristflicker released the following statement:

“Mass murder?!?! How do we even know how many sperm are in a load? We trust scientists and their stupid microscopes? If there were so many sperm in a load, why doesn’t my tissue wiggle when I finish in it? Huh? Wouldn’t they all be squirming to breathe? Plus when we get a woman pregnant wouldn’t she have like a million babies? What about when she swallows it? Shouldn’t she be charged with mass drowning? This is unfair to men everywhere! We will not be silenced, and we will unleash our message all over this country’s belly and clean it up with the sock of justice when we win! Last time I checked, the white in the American flag’s colors represents my right to rub my pecker until it was red so that my balls won’t turn blue, when I shot my white all over it! That’s the America I love.”

When asked to comment on the act, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said:

“Sorry fellas, you’re gonna have to handle this one yourselves!”