Amidst widespread outrage by protesters who are boycotting Target’s new gender neutral bathroom policy, the corporation has announce the following adjustments to the controversial policy.
“We want to be fair to those who are uncomfortable with our policy, we also want to make everyone, no matter how irrationally special they think they are happy, therefore we have made several changes effective immediately.” said a spokesperson for Target.
The list of new policies include:
1. Signs on all bathrooms stating under no circumstances are you to molest or sexually harass anyone else in the restroom with you.
2. Separate bathrooms based on how good looking or ugly you are. One bathroom will be for anyone who ranks from 1-5, 6’s – 10’s will have a separate rest room.
3. A “no pedophiles beyond this point” sign will be posted on all restrooms other than the new Pedophiles Only rest room. Nobody under the age of 17 will be permitted in those restrooms. These signs will also be posted in the toy, children’s clothing, baby product, and kids medicine isles.
4. There will be separate pro and anti vaccination rest rooms.
5. New “I just had a curious phase in college” restrooms will be implemented.
6. Other than service animals, no pets will be allowed in restrooms to appease those who fear a threat or temptation of bestiality while using the rest rooms.
7. Males who now identify as female may only use the women’s bathroom as long as they aren’t dropping a massive deuce.
8. There will be a separate facility for holocaust deniers and 911 conspiracy theorists.
9. Those who feel threatened by persons of an opposite gender will now be permitted to piss on the side of the building with amnesty from a public urination summons being issued.
10. Lastly there will finally be a rest room for shoplifters who will be allowed to bring items beyond this point as several shoplifters have deemed this policy insensitive to those who identify as customers who have paid for the items they will stuff inside their oversized winter jackets and cargo pants they insist on wearing during the summer months.
“It’s not perfect yet but we feel this will welcome back those who were offended by our new policy. We have several ideas we are still considering including changing our bullseye logo for anti 2nd amendment supporters, and separate DC and Marvel nerd restrooms. We at Target believe in inclusion and our goal is not only to bankrupt small business owners and achieve world domination, but to someday control the weather and abolish child labor laws.”