On August 26, a dude with a lot of anger issues and a deep desire for public recognition shot and killed a reporter and a cameraman during a live broadcast in Virginia. If that wasn’t enough, he also recorded the slayings on his cell phone and uploaded them to Facebook and Twitter, ensuring all of us got to enjoy a genuine snuff movie during our lunchtime Ramen and La Croix sparkling water beverages.
Hailed as the first “social media massacre” in U.S. history, the incident has inspired tremendous debate across America – and by “tremendous debate,” I mean “the exact same rhetoric that’s been spewed out after every prolific killing spree since Columbine.”
Sure, sure, everybody is saying that this time it’s different for real seriously, but I know better. Wondering what sort of things will actually transpire in the wake of the WDBJ tragedy? Well, folks, here are ten things I GUARANTEE will happen in this great land of ours…
Number One – People will show their solidarity with and respect for the people they never actually knew nor even knew existed 24 hours earlier by changing their Facebook profile photo for a week. And if they were really moved, they might even tweet about it in between posting images of their Chipotle burritos and WomenCrushWednesday updates.
Number Two – Liberals will demand more stringent gun control laws, which are not only unfeasible, but utterly incapable of preventing future rampages.
Number Three – Conservatives will use the tragedy as nothing more than an excuse to ramble on and on about why they ought to be able to take their guns with them everywhere they go.
Number Four – Conspiracy theorists will say the shooting was a false flag operation (“The shooter’s hand was white! The woman didn’t explode in a shower of blood and bone fragments when she was hit like in the movies!”) orchestrated by the government to deprive the citizenry of their weaponry so the U.N. can force ‘em into depopulation camps and/or sacrifice them to intergalactic Jew lizards.
Number Five – People who have no idea what the DSM is will say some vague things about the need for better mental health care access, mumble for a bit, then never mention the topic again.
Number Six – Probable racists and homophobes will be outraged the media isn’t bringing up the shooters blackness and/or gayness enough.
Number Seven – The media will rhetorically ask why the tragedy occurred, then incessantly talk about the murders 24 hours a day, making sure to repeat the killer’s name over and over again while showing his mug shot every five minutes.
Number Eight – A disaffected, socially withdrawn youth with a persecution complex will watch the videos, become infatuated with the murderer and start fantasizing about grabbing an AR-15, strapping a GoPro to his head and broadcasting a murder spree at his local high school and/or movie theater on live on Periscope. (I’m sure we’ll be hearing more about this outstanding young fellow in a few months’ time.)
Number Nine – No one will be able to accept that the murderer acted independently and of his own free will, and will instead blame the slayings on their ideological rivals.
Number Ten – Another shooting will take place, we’ll forget all about this one, and numbers one through nine will repeat themselves … over and over again. Indefinitely.