Only a decade ago it seemed that abortions were all the rage. Every 26 year old white female with a pulse was getting one. Abortions were just plain cool. “Everyone was doing it.” Said 29 year old Mary outside of a Cryogenix lab after an egg freeze. , If you had an extra 300 bucks lying around, you could become really important overnight. She added, “Of course we all acted like we didn’t want one and that it was a tough decision, but come on, it was painless. It’s not like we were attached to it or anything.”
Abortions were the skinny jeans of 2006, “I just liked the attention.” Said 32 year old Meghann, who’s on her third attempt at IVF. She continued, “I’d already gotten a lower back tattoo in Panama City, but I needed something else to get boys to like me more.”
Abortion has always been a hot button issue, but a decade ago, it was trending world wide before Twitter. “My dad didn’t seem to care that I had gotten my tongue pierced. So what could I do to piss him off? #AbortionFriday! I told my boyfriend that I switched to the pill and that we didn’t need to use condoms anymore. Seven months later, he’s forking over 400 bucks to end it.” Said Brittney. She went on, “I knew my bf would pay for it. A kid is a career ender… Not that his career working at the batting cage was going anywhere… And wow was my dad pissed. His little girl was a monstrous slut! Payback old man!”
30 year old Kandra commented about her abortion, “My boyfriend didn’t have a job so I had my dad pay for it. He was really mad, but I told him, 500 bucks is a lot less than 18 years of Xmas cards and birthdays. I wasn’t even pregnant. I just needed rent money.” She continued, “I wish I had that 500 bucks now. Fertilization treatment is draining my bank account, but the support I’m receiving from everyone around me makes up for it. Lindsey let me borrow her Range Rover for a week while my G3 was being detailed.”
“What’s really sad is that my little sister won’t know the joys that abortion brings.” Said Ashley, 31 year old non-mother. She added, “I’m just upset that she won’t get to have a teary eyed conversation with her ‘besties” that ends in a group hug… well, unless she gets another DUI.”
Today, abortion is nearly dead, but a new vaginal related trend is upon us. #IVF – 29 year old Stacey, is looking past her two abortions to a new day where she can actually crap out a dependent. “I know it’s a tax write off if it actually happens, but more importantly, I’m getting so much sympathy for my failed attempts at getting pregnant, I almost don’t want it to happen.” She went on to say, “The miracle of life didn’t seem like a miracle at all 10 years ago. It was a nuisance. For some reason now, I’m willing to pay a shit load to bring a nuisance into this world. I guess I can always put it up for adoption if it’s ugly.”
30 year old Rachel commented, “I actually got lucky with my IVF treatment. It didn’t take. I almost had to have one of those baby things. You wouldn’t believe the sympathy treatment I got. People actually sent me cheques! Imagine if it was still-born. I’d be filthy rich!”
According to 34 year old Shannon, “Most of my friends aren’t even getting the treatment, they just tell everyone so they can get out of lame functions. ‘Uh Trevor and I have a meeting with a potential donor’ and stuff like that. I know that cunt Erin just didn’t want to come to my baby shower. What an attention whore. I mean, I may be pregnant after all! She’s so selfish.”
In-Vitro-Fertilization treatment, sperm donors, egg carriers, fertilization clinics, and other similar vaginal related words carry a heavy price tag, but none are heavier than the burden felt by the friends of those going through it. 32 year old 3-time abortionist Janette said, “It’s worth it. My friends feel so guilty I can’t conceive, they offer to do things for me all the time. Just last week, Jesse took me to get drinks for happy hour and picked up the tab. That cheap bitch doesn’t pay for anything. This infertility thing is great.”
The girls of 10 years ago are all grown up, and now can’t become pregnant. Updating your Facebook status to “Un-pregnateable” has become the real status symbol. It seems like the generation of not quite wannabe mothers is missing the real key to becoming pregnant: being unemployed and dating a guy in a band.
36 year old Jaime stated, “My husband was so happy when our invitro finally took. It hurt me to see him so happy knowing all the guilt we were missing out on by failing.” She continued, “Ultrasound photos aren’t very depressing. I couldn’t stand all the adulation and congratulatory comments. So I did what any rational 30 something white woman would do. I faked a miscarriage and had an abortion. That’s win- win!”
Thank you – @ChairmanofGuam
In all seriousness, abortion is an important issue. It needs to be kept safe and legal. Protect women. You can support women’s rights as well as take a shit on religion at the same time by supporting @aborttheocracy
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