President Trump stood by his remarks that he would show up at his impeachment hearings but doubled down by also stating he would actually testify if the Democrats allow him to try on the glove that helped exonerate OJ Simpson.
“I’d love to show up and watch them try to win this imaginary case. I’ve said all along it’s a perfect phone call, no pressure! Whoever made the call pressuring The Ukraine must’ve been wearing the OJ Simpson gloves so their fingerprints wouldn’t be on my phone. So I’m willing to try on OJ’s gloves to show they don’t fit.”
Startled reporters asked The President to elaborate on his newest theory.
“It’s simple, if the glove doesn’t fit then they must acquit, just like Johnny Coltrane said. It’s in the constitution! Our founders instituted this rule when they founded this great nation, all four of them, each one of our four fathers agreed that of a glove doesn’t fit around your hand when you’re on trial, you must be acquitted! I’m no quitter, but I am a quitted! See the difference?”
“No we don’t.” – Every reporter
“I’m really good with words. These were some of my best words. I think rappers call them bars, I’ll ask Kanye.”
“What?” Again, every reporter
“Speaking of Kanye, his wife’s dad worked with Johnny Coltrane on that OJ case so you can ask her if you don’t believe me, she gets the wrongfully accused blacks out of prison all the time because she brings them the OJ glove, which her dad left her in the will, and when it doesn’t fit their hands, they let them out of jail.”
“That’s not how she does it.” Yep, all of us again
“Yes it is, I’ve seen it. I’m the best at seeing things. Great eyesight. Probably the best eyesight anyone’s ever had. That’s also in the constitution.”
“It’s definitely not.” Entire group is now angry
“No it is, read the transcripts. Says I have better than 20/20 vision, I can see into the future, and in 2020 I’ll clearly be President again. See! I’m a great rapper too, tremendous words, tremendous bars, the best bars. Their lawyers could never pass these bars. Oh snap I did it again, I may make a rap album now, I’ll
talk to Kanye and Kid Rock.”
“Please don’t.” Passionately begging from the entire press corps
“Ok thanks for your time everyone, and remember, read the transcript of the constitution that I wrote, everything I said today is in there. If OJ’s glove doesn’t fit, then there was no quid pro quo. I hate Chinese food anyway.”