Sao Paulo, Brazil
Hey. Hi. How are you? This is our amazing and world exclusive UFC Brazil or UFC Fight Night or whatever you want to call it recap/results/play by play. Whatever. You know what this is. Do you need a long introduction? Would it help set the mood? Does an entire website filled with content leading up to this, including WEIGH INS, AUDIO PREVIEW, VIDEO PREVIEW, not satiate your appetite? Whatever. You know you love this just the way it is. Anyways. My PBP is here and then below the sexy woman is the Quick & Dirty results for those who just want to know who won and that’s all.
UFC Brazil LIVE STREAM SUPER EARLY PRELIMS THAT ONLY THEIR MOTHERS CARE ABOUT UFC Fight Pass, 6:30/530/430/330
- Matheus Nicolau vs. Bruno Korea
I don’t care how it’s really pronounced, Bruno Korea is the new best name in the history of best names. He also looks like, and I don’t know how to explain this, a Brazilian Dominick Cruz.
Nicolau landing well with his counter punching. Korea leaning in and staying in the pocket too long and Nicolau is landing solid hands in response. A big punch half way through from puts Korea on his back. He doesn’t look out of it but it was a solid knock down. Nicolau wants to pound but Korea keeping his hips high to create too much space. After a brief scramble they’re on their feet in the clinch. Nicolau with a bit takedown but Korea instantly hits a switch and uses it to stand. Korea tries a spinny kick and is taken down for his efforts.
Korea has a reach advantage but isn’t using it. Almost like there’s a line, a 38th parallel he won’t cross… A takedown by Nicolau. Korea lands a blatant upkick to the face of a downed opponent – oops. They stand which is where Korea wants it but he’s not doing much here. Nicolau continues to land punches, particularly his left hook. Korea spins a lot but when he tries any conventional striking he’s being hurt. Having said that, a big kick to the chest/throat by Korea has Nicolau on his ass. Korea comes in, like he’s at war, and …. now he’s caught in an armbar and it looks tight. Korea shows toughness (or whatever you want to call it) and Nicolau releases the armbar with a minute remaining. Close round, interesting to see how it is scored. That is code for: I dunno.
Korea leaps in like a wombat (do they leap?) for a fancy spinny killer move and is FLOORED by a punch from Nicolau. Just dropped dead. But, unlike Jesus who took three days, he took a second and was lucid (ish). Nicolau transitions to mount. Korea bucking like a bronco and creates a scramble to free himself from the mount but Nicolau is on top with two minutes to go. A trickle of blood from above the eye of Korea. Nicolau now moving to a a guillotine, and has a leg trapped at the same time, very odd and painful looking and TAP!
OFFICIAL RESULT: Nicolau d. Korea, R3, submission
- Pedro Munhoz vs. Jimmie Rivera
The blatantly racist Brazilian fans chanting YOU ARE GOING TO DIE at Rivera. Typical. All Brazilians are like this. All of them. No deviation just pure racist. Munhoz shall likely be referred to as THE PEDRO for my own personal amusement. … omg. One of the cutmen (they have jackets they say CUTMAN on them now) has glasses that say “UFC” on them. That’s some NFL level psycho marketing control. Fuck.
Rivera starts the first 30 seconds off with basically non stop combos. And it lead to an uppercut that The Pedro ate a few seconds later. Ouch, kick to the cock of Rivera. Pedro tries a spinny kick to the face and it does nil. Rivera is standing very stiff but he’s exploding into every combination. Nice leg kicked followed by an uppercut from Rivera, who is leading this round 3 minutes in. Rivera isn’t throwing anything in isolation and that’s leaving Pedro continually in a defensive shell. Damn. Rips a shot to the body of Pedro. Rivera stuffs a takedown from the Brazilian native with a minute to go. For a guy the announcers were touting like WWE once touted Tout, Pedro is getting his ass handed to him.
Rivera with beautiful combinations again. Never the same sequence and a punch hurts The Pedro BAD! Rivera swarming. It’s close and BOOM! THE PEDRO lands a shot that staggers Rivera. That evened things up and put a halt to Rivera’s momentum. Pedro’s right eye looks like it’s swelling shut. An isolated right hand from Pedro drops Rivera! Pedro jumps on a guillotine and it’s close but no, Rivera out and threatens one of his own. Pedro walks in and Rivera hits another uppercut, which has been his money maker tonight. Like the nice ass of a streetwalker. Pedro is walking forward constantly while Rivera is still throwing combos. That said, Rivera’s ahnds are slowing a bit. Going to be interesting (again) to see how this is scored. Probably even headed into the third.
Both trading punches right away. Now trading … spin kicks. Alrighty. Pedro keeps coming in with a lead “jabbing elbow” with success. A kick to the head looked like it might have Rivera in danger but he answeres back. The Pedro tried his darn hardest for a darn good takedown but Rivera stuffed the darn thing. Pedro landing leg kicks now. Fight has surely slowed and those kicks are adding up as they’ll stand out to judges. Round may be slightly for The Pedro but either guy could win it as there are 90 seconds t go. And then Rivera lands a bunch of punches. And another one. Punch. Punch. Jab. Punch. LOOK AT HOW GOOD I AM AT CALLING THE ACTION! 30 seconds to go and it’s still close. Rivera let some of the momentum he just had die.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Rivera d. Munhoz, split dec.
- Viscardi Andrade vs. Gasan Umalatov
It appears that the new drug testing regulations have not yet found their way to Andrade.
Andrade lands a bit early but half way through this round … nothing much is happening. Umalatov is content to throw one or two punches here and there and therefore lose this round and suck away our souls with boredom. Fuck you both for this round.
One minute in and maybe one punch landed. Andrade is at least trying by throwing things. They’re missing but bless him. Uma (his new name) is just being a boring bastard. A left hook from Andrade lands! IT’S A MIRACLE! Two minutes to go and our punch total is maybe four. Andrade is loosening up a bit more. Uma is just a stool. Andrade throws five punches in a row, none of which land, then a kick to the head that is blocked but at least he moved.
Andrade’s corner is very, very concerned that he’s not paying attention, demanding he ignore the crowd, like he’s a kid with ADD or something. Uma lands a spinning kick to the head and it rocked Andrade. Maybe he DOES have ADD… Uma suddenly deciding to fight. Andrade responds in kind with knees in the clinch. Literally more action in the first two minutes of this round than in the prior ten. Left hook to the body from Andrade hurt Uma. Two minutes to go. Can Uma redeem himself? (no)(even if he wins, he won’t) Kick to the ribs from Andrade. Right hand from Uma lands and hurts Andrade. Bad. But there was only 15 seconds to go so no finish.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Andrade d. Umalatov, dec
UFC Brazil LIVE STREAM PRELIM CARD AND THEREFORE NOT AS IMPORTANT FOX Sports 1, 8/7/6/5
- Chas Skelly vs. Kevin Souza
Chas is a cool name.
Kevin is really, really low with his stance. He’s clearly looking to stuff the TD but fuck if it looks like you can actually do anything from that stance. And there’s the shot from Chas. It took damn near two minutes but Chas finally finished the takedown. Chas passes to halfguard(ed.com). He’s being very calm and composed as he slides to side control. Push off elbows from Chas are grinding away and he’s dived (dove) on a d’Arce choke which is a wrestler favorite and it looks deep as hell. Kevin is keeping calm and deventually gets out. Chas had to have burned his armsout there. OH SHIT! Big punch from Big Kev floors Chas bad. This could almost be over. Chas showing shocking movement as he rolls from bottom into an armbar and then a kneebar and now he’s looking for a heel hook. It’s close but no go. Good round. Would recommend.
An early takedown from … KEVIN! Chas responds by going for a leg lock. Kevin is sitting back and backfisting Chas. They’re on their feet but Chas looks gassed as hell. Chas with a nice shot and he’s in deep, goes behind, trying the takedown but instead dives and gets the back. Rear naked choke and TAP!
OFFICIAL RESULT: Chas Skelly d. Kevin Souza, R2, submission
A little featurette showed how much Henderson likes to hunt. It showed the stuffed heads of deer he’d killed. I don’t like hunting to start but this just seemed to absurd: you’re decorating your house with things you shot to death.
And this commercial for business cards is weird. Someone took American Psycho too seriously.
- Clay Guida vs. Thiago Tavares
Guida being Guida right away. Throwing wild punches and dives for a takedown. But he’s caught in a TIGHT guillotine and TAP! WOW! More a Guida fuck up than anything and almost kind of humorous.
OFFICIAL DECISION: Guida d. Tavares, R1, submission
- Yan Cabral vs. Johnny Case
Case with a takedown and a bit of GnP but he stnads out as Cabral scares him with submission attacks. Cabral with aa takedown, beautiful control and passing, almost has a Kimura but Case explodes out. They finish exchanging a bit on the feet
All on the feet with Case quicker to the punch throughout. Big punch drops Cabral, Case with ground and pound, but Cabral immediately threatens a submission and Case backs out. Case then out strikes Cabral for the round. Nthing major, mostly using his hands.
Trading early then a takedown and back take by Cabral. He’s working for a RNC but Case spins out and ground and pounds. That was the round basically. Sorry, I could be more detailed but … no, I can’t.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Case d. Cabral, dec.
- Gleison Tibau vs. Abel Trujillo
Quick takedown by Tibau, mounts, takes the back, RNC. It’s close and … ref stops it. I didn’t see a tab and it didn’t look like he was out either. Bad stoppage.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Tibau d. Trujillo, R1, sub.
UFC Brazil LIVE STREAM MAIN CARD on FOX Sports 1, 10/9/8/7
- Corey Anderson vs. Fabio Maldonado
Anderson not screwing around, gets an immediate takedown and starts pounding. Solid work. Fabio escapes and they’re on their feet half way through. Fabio with his back against the cage, which he’ll often use to lure peopleinto boxing exchanges. He’s now walking down Anderson, hands down, but then he’s taken down. Fabio turtles up to stand with 20 seconds to go.
Anderson again not wasting time and immediately gets the takedown. Fabio stands. They’re in clinch distance which is good for Fabio. Another blast double by Anderson puts Fabio down again. Not a ton of action here, which is to be expected as Anderson is inexperienced and Fabio is a scary dude in his way.
Anderson, as before, starts off with a shot but this time Fabio stuffs it, limp legs out and they resume glove touching. At 3:15, Anderson secures a big takedown, Fabio stands up, we will probably see rinse and repeat of this soon.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Anderson d. Maldanado, dec
- Gilbert Burns vs. Rashid Magomedov
Burns with a bunch of takedowns early, putting the Putin Pawn on his back. Burns drops for a leg lock out of no where but Rashid slips away. On their feet here, Burns coming forward but walks into a combination of hands. Solid round.
After some feeling out Magomedov hits some huge punches and has dropped Burns. Burns is in trouble as a result of a left hook. Mago looking for the finish but can’t find it. Burns toughs it out but on the feet a lazy leg kick by Burns is met with an overhand right from the Russian Beast. Definite tide turning round.
Mago early with strikes and Burns on the ground. Round has slowed a lot as the guys are tired and mostly trading shots. As that’s typed, Burns shoots in well, double leg, but it’s stuffed. Nothing round really. They tried hard but it didn’t really materialize as fun.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Magomedov d. Burns, dec.
- Piotr Hallmann vs. Alex Oliveira
Oliverira completely dominating every aspect of the round. His striking was precise and landed from both distance and up close. He had Hallmann rocked several times and was close to finishing. A one sided dominating insert adjecive here ass kicking.
Hallman with a takedown 60 secondsin, which should help him not get beaten up. Alex not doing much, though he did tease a triangle. Hallman basically slipped and landed on his ass. Not his back but right on his ass. OMG OUCH! Oliveira tried a reaer choke but Hallman reversed and is on top.
OMGJFFDJFDNJFLFJS! (That’s technical.) Oliveira landed a massive punch of death that killed Hallman, Hallman’s family, his ancestors, and prevents him from ever birthing an heir. Beacuse that kid would also be dead.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Oliveira d. Hallman, R3, KO OF DEATH
- Thomas Almeida vs. Anthony Birchak
One of the cool things about getting older is you have friends who are parents so they’ll say things like, “Before I come over, do you want me to get some ice cream?” Oh, and let’s see if Almeida can keep impressing.
Birchak slowly cutting off the cage early, made a halfhearted attempt but seemed it was more for show than go. Almeida is remaining calm. Birchak lands a kick to the skull and now he’s teeing off. Almeida is hurt. But the Brazilian then slings a right hand of considerably quality and hurts the American. Almeida dove for a d’Arce choke but failed only to immediately scramble. Almeida fighting very classic Muay Thai in that he’s tight defensively with his hands but throwing his strikes in isolation but with full power. Birchak is more fluid, more Dutch style, as he’s mixing up his combinations come from all angles. For a guy seen as a sizable underdog, Birchak is certainly in there. But with one minute to go, and just as I’ve written that, Almeida lands a series of big strikes. Birchak is wobbled bad. He’s out on his feet and one big strike ends it and now he’s out on the ground.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Almeida d. Birchak, R1, KO – death (yes, again)
- Patrick Cummins vs. Glover Teixeira
Cummins knid of looks like the world’s biggest gymnast but one who is in his off season.
Cummins with a ridiculously easy takedown. Tex with an equally as easy standup. Another easy takedown and another easy escape. Tex looks like he’s timing a guillotine for the shots, so he may be giving them up a bit easier than normal. Tex setting up his bread and butter left hook. It’s remarkable how accurate he is with it. Cummins slightly shoot, gets behind, and uses a ton of energy getting a takedown but you know what followed: Tex stood. Tex has Cummins hurt with punches. It’s the same 2-3 combination throughout. Cummins timed a Tex punch and shot under for a smooth takedown. He’s in the halfguard(ed.com) of Tex and this is by far the longest time they’ve been down … and then Tex is right up. Good round. Probably should be Tex.
Tex had Cummins hurt bad as that last round ended and he’s going right back to it. Sharks. Blood. Water. You know how it goes. Tex is stuffing a TD here. Standing up and it seems like it’s a matter of time. One shot after another is landing. BIG hooks, left and right alike, are putting an end to things and it’s all over!
OFFICIAL RESULT: Teixeira d. Cummins, R2, TKO
- Vitor Belfort vs. Dan Henderson
In case you are wondering, Jesus is definitely on Vitor’s side for this one. Heard he laid down 500 (loaves) on a Belfort KO.
A minute in and all that’s happened is Dan landing some light, tapping almost, leg kicks. Both guys standing like they know the other has a bomb cocked and ready to go off. Two minutes in and BAM! Off went the bomb that is a Vitor Belfort kick to the head. It was basically the first thing he threw and it was all he needed as Henderson was out. Very similar to their second fight. “The Old Vitor is Back” as the say.
OFFICIAL RESULT: Belfort d. Henderson, R1, KO
Life isn’t fair…
QUICK & DIRTY UFC Brazil LIVE STREAM RESULTS
- Vitor Belfort d. Dan Henderson, R1, KO
- Glover Teixeira d. Patrick Cummins, R2, TKO
- Thomas Almeida d. Anthony Birchak, R1, KO
- Alex Oliveira d. Piotr Hallmann, R3, KO OF DEATH
- Rashid Magomedov d. Gilbert Burns, dec.
- Corey Anderson d. Fabio Maldonado, dec
- Gleison Tibau d. Abel Trujillo, R1, sub
- Johnny Case d. Yan Cabral, dec.
- Thiago Tavares d. Clay Guida, R1, sub
- Chas Skelly d. Kevin Souza, R2, sub
- Viscardi Andrade d. Gasan Umalatov, dec
- Jimmie Rivera d. Pedro Munhoz, split dec.
- Matheus Nicolau d. Bruno Korea, R3, sub