Understanding Bipolar Disorder Part 2: What the eff happened to Peach?

When I was 18, I started experiencing brain fits. They started out as weird overwhelming feelings that caused me to think I was hearing voices. I wasn’t. I know, how do you “think” you’re hearing voices, but not really? I would get so upset that it would feel like I was going crazy, that my mind snapped. I’ve referred to them as meltdowns, but I’ll scale it back here and say that I started to have fits. The first I can recall happened when I was a freshman at the University of Missouri. At the time, I’d only had two major concussions.

 

MIZ-ZOU! I was studying for a history final (which was my first mistake), with my then girlfriend named Rachel. She was stunning, she was smart, and she loved me, and I had a fit in front of her that caused our relationship to end. I can’t explain it, but as we were studying together, I just couldn’t keep focused and I was getting really irritated. All of a sudden, I slammed my book closed, threw my stuff, screamed and ran off. Ya, that was basically the end of us, as well as my first stint at Mizzou.

 

When we came back for second semester, she barely talked to me, my roommate moved out, and I started having anxiety attacks daily. My irritability was through the roof, and my patience was nonexistent. The brain fits became fights. I didn’t enjoy doing anything, and I was very depressed. I didn’t last long into January, and it was only a matter of time before I had to drop out and move home.

 

I’ll spare you the next 20 years, and fast forward now to about six months ago. It’s August 2016, a less than presidential presidential race is mid locker room talk, the Chicago Cubs lead the NL Central by a mere three games and Marty McFly was just sent back in time to find Doc in 1855, but more importantly, I began having almost daily fits of rage, or fits of tears. Usually fits of raging tears. Even Robert Dinero couldn’t make that script work.

 

Everyday I would come home after lifting weights and doing BJJ, and I’d suffer. I’d feel it as my mental condition deteriorated post training. I could feel it on the ride home. And it made sense… Because I would get so amped up to lift, or so focused during wrestling, of course it would cause a rebound drop. I’d try to prevent it by staying busy or listening to music but anything even remotely stimulating would push me over the edge sooner. So I’d try and block everything out by laying in bed, in pitch black, with ear plugs. It didn’t help, because the signals I wished to block out were coming from inside me… The call is coming from inside the house!

 

It doesn’t matter why. It only matters what’s next, and that’s treatment. How long would I have to deal with this never ending saga of ups and downs? I’ve learned a lot about myself and my disease over the past year. I’ll explain a lot in part 3 but for now, here’s what you should know…

 

There are several types of bipolar disorder; all involve episodes of depression and mania to a degree. They include bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymic disorder, and rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. A person affected by bipolar I disorder has had at least one manic episode in his or her life. I’ve had at least one (remember I said maybe up to 10, but certainly 1) in my life thus I qualify for bipolar I, but if I had to pick, I most closely relate to the RCBD. And so says all four of my doctors.

 

Bipolar isn’t what it sounds like. You don’t wildly swing from happy to sad. You CAN, but typically it just means you spend a lot of time in the doldrums, occasionally popping out to take on some neurotic task. For me, it’s writing for Halfguarded bay bay! Bipolar isn’t happy and sad. It’s usually depressed and irritable. Neither of which are fun.

 

I now take Lithium. It has some uncomfortable gastrointestinal side effects, but the main effect it has on me is stabilizing my mood. It took a long time to get the dosage correct, and that was a terrible few months of feeling awful, and having negative side effects. The nausea can still kick in at any point. In fact, just yesterday I had to pull over and puke out the side of the my car. Good stuff.

 

I also take Vraylar which is suppose to enhance the Lithium, as I’m at the max Lithium dose now. It is a wonderful drug. I’ve really started to kick out of this bullshit since adding it. Thank you Jesus for making it… On second thought, no wait, fuck you Jesus for giving me this horrible disorder. Thank you BIG PHARMA for making my life actually better. I wish you didn’t gouge me so much, but it’s much less than what that greedy asshole Jew carpenter Jebus demands. Never sin? Come on. Sin is so fun!

 

I’m a person who has facial ticks. I always have. My facial ticks are probably caused by the bipolar disorder. I feel pressure in my eyes and throat and brain a lot. It makes me blink hard and sometimes make noises. Previously, I had chalked up my ticks to Tourette’s Syndrome, which I believed I had. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t, it doesn’t matter though. My facial ticks have improved but the Vraylar actually causes fine motor spasms ie. ticks. thus I’ve developed different ones, including a stutter.

 

I need a lot of sleep; more than you. I need nine hours minimum, at least I used to. My doctor’s number one question is always, “How are you sleeping?” If the answer is, “shitty,” she makes a medicine change. She says the number one predictor of having an episode is sleep. I can attest to that.

 

My appetite is fucked. I hate eating. IDK if this will start to change as treatment continues, but I don’t like food anymore. I never really have. I just want to eat a pill or a handful of pills a few times a day. I do that now, they just don’t fuel me like I’d prefer. I want protein pills! Make that shit Big Pharma. I wonder if there’s a kid named Pharma and he’s overweight. Might make a good heel to take on Hulk Hogan… “Say your prayers and take your vitamins kids,” said The Hulkster. “Yes, children, take all of your Pfizer vitamins. Mwaa Haa Haa,” said Dennis “Big” Pharma.

 

I’m super dehydrated all the time. Thus, I piss about 35 times a day, roughly half as often as my 71 year old father. At least I can now tolerate his whistling, at least for the first three hours.

 

Everything coming out the other end, is liquid. My stomach doesn’t hurt, but I get the urge to go about 10 times per day. It’s awesome. I sit on the throne and spray out machine gun fire and hardly any actual dook. “Man Peach. I didn’t think I’d have to read about your diarrhea in this article.” WHAT? I include that last paragraph in every article! It’s HalfGuarded, Brizz!

 

As I got older, I began to learn what I believed at the time were certain truths about myself:

 

• I’m a problem drinker, and maybe an alcoholic (even though its genetically unlikely).
• I can’t be trusted.
• I’ll fuck it up.
• I’m a liar.
• I can’t regulate emotion like others.
• My brain gets sad faster.
• I hear things others don’t.
• I have a hard time paying attention.
• I don’t have any patience.
• Everything irritates me.
• Why can’t everyone be like me.
• Why can’t everyone believe what I believe.
• I can make everyone know what I know.

 

All of that was and still is true, it’s just that now, I’ve reframed my statements:

• I’m not a problem drinker. I drank to regulate my emotion. Now Lithium does that. I don’t need to drink. No more problems.
• I can now be trusted. I couldn’t until I was stable, but now that I am stable, I can.
• I’m not a fuck up. I’m exactly who PeachMachine was always going to be, and that’s totally fine.
• I can say what I’m thinking honestly, because I’m stable.
• Lithium regulates my emotion. It’s great!
• My brain doesn’t have to get sad faster. I can respond to normal stimuli like a normal human.
• I hear things others don’t because I was hyper-focused on ambient sounds. This will improve with the medication.
• My ability to pay attention will improve.
• I will learn to be patient and comfortable.
• I let things irritate me. I no longer let them.
• Everyone is free to believe what they like. My way is just one of a million possibilities.
• A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you’ll know tomorrow.