It was revealed exclusively to Halfguarded.com that WWE has been falsifying network subscription numbers since its inception. This revelation comes on the heels of their first-quarter earnings report, which stated that their network subscription numbers were on the rise. Evidently, this is not reality, and traditionally with WWE, the reality is not always clear.
A source inside WWE’s financial department leaked the 100% real number to only Halfguarded.com. Said the source, “I trust you guys to get the word out. You always tell the truth and hold nothing back. Your articles are accurate, thought-provoking, and savvy as well. I’d actually pay to have a subscription to your site, but not the WWE Network.”
The source shared, “Secretly, WWE is highly concerned about their actual number of subscribers. It was reported to be 1.95 million paid, but that number is grossly inflated.” The source went on to say, “WWE earns about 75% of its profits on television rights fees, but after that, it is supposed to be network subscriptions. Unfortunately, those profits aren’t even as high as merchandise sales for The Ascension. Don’t get me wrong, The Ascension is an incredibly popular and marketable team, and their T-shirt designs are awesome, but it really shouldn’t be topping the subscription profits.”
Upon receiving the insider scoop, Halfguarded’s analytics department delved deeper into the subject to find the more shocking statistics on WWE’s fledgling network. According to Halfguarded’s chief investigator, the number of actual paid subscribers isn’t even a million, let alone the nearly two million claimed. “The number of paid subscribers is pathetically low. WWE’s initial free month trial has really bit them in the ass. It never actually rolls over into a paid subscription, so 99% of the people watching are still on their ‘free month’ even years into their initial sign-up,” said HG investigator Otm Shank.
Shank went on to say, “What’s worse, is that of the 1% of people who actually pay have shared their account login information with an average of 41 other people. So while there may be close to two million people watching, there are significantly fewer paid.” From this information, it is safe to say that WWE has grossly exaggerated the number in order to keep their investors happy. However, once this surfaces, expect a large downturn of the WWE stock price.
While lying to investors is underhanded and immoral, one positive is that WWE has been promoting the network usage amongst their own employees, even giving away free subscriptions. Said our source, “WWE has given free access to the network to every single employee. However, statistically zero of the employees have bothered to even log in for a single time.” Can you blame them? If watching the WWE product makes you nauseous, imagine what working for WWE would do? There’s no chance an employee would ever go home and willingly ingest more putrid “sports entertainment,” such as Backlash.
Nonetheless, WWE’s generosity to employees isn’t actually real. Even more underhanded and shocking than lying to investors is lying to employees. In reality, WWE actually deducts $9.99 from unsuspecting employees monthly, assuming that they are using their subscription. Most employees don’t even notice since 99% of them are already getting $2500 deducted quarterly for testing positive for cannabis.
So just what is the actual number of paid subscribers? “It’s almost impossible to give the exact number given the constant flux, but at this point, it’s safe to call it a ‘handful.’ As I looked through the data, I found that one single person is actually responsible for the purchase of at least a dozen individual subscriptions. I couldn’t see the person’s name, just their email addresses used to register. Amongst those paid email addresses were: Hunter@wwe.com, HHH@wwe.com, TheGame@wwe.com, Pedigree1@wwe.com, Kingofkings@wwe.com, nWo4life@wwe.com, PaulLevesque@wwe.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com and TitusONeil@wwe.com.
This leaves us with the actual number of paid WWE network subscriptions possibly at three. Three people are willing to pay, most likely to see their big nose hit people with fake sledgehammers, and those people are apparently Paul Levesque, Titus O’Neal, and either Hulk Hogan or a spam account.
Don’t be duped into a useless monthly subscription. Don’t piss your money away on shitty content. Sign up at patreon.com/comedysuplex and for 4.99 or MORE a month you will get plenty of quality shows, such as the Comedy Suplex Podcart which is a weekly rundown of all the happenings in pro rasslin’, UFC, and various other entertainment outlets. Join now! Now!
Other free musings and fake news can be read at ComedySuplex.xyz. It’s not accurate analysis, it’s comedy. Also feel free to follow @ComedySuplex on social media. Actually, you shouldn’t feel free, as free will is an illusion.