Wells Fargo Center
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Home of The Asshole
Come one, come all to this: 2018 WWE Royal Rumble coverage. We get to see Brock Lesnar beat up two other giant human beings, which should be awesome. There’s some other dumb shit too but the real main-event is the mother fucking ROYAL RUMBLE! 30 men enter, only one will win.
Well, that’s supposed to be the rules but they usually end up having like tow people win, or a tie, or whatever. And instead of main-eventing Wrestlemania, they get a title shot during the middle of the show. What. Ever. I wanna see 5000 lbs of men!
The chicks also have a Rumble and people will all talk about how progressive that is and other such nonsense. I’m betting it sucks because women are small and Rumbles are just an excuse to see the spectacle of steroids paraded around before someone gets unceremoniously dumped over the top rope. Maybe a tit will pop out.
ROYAL RUMBLE 2018 THOUGHTS AND OTHER STUFF
(Match listing from Wikipedia)
Bobby Roode (c) vs. TBD
Singles match for the WWE United States Championship
Roode won. He beat Mojo something.
Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson vs. The Revival (Scott Dawson and Dash Wilder)
Tag team match
— WWE (@WWE) January 28, 2018
Kalisto, Lince Dorado, and Gran Metalik vs. TJP, Gentleman Jack Gallagher, and Drew Gulak
Six-man tag team match
I did not watch this because I did not know it was on because I did not realize this company does 8 hour long shows.
2018 Men’s Royal Rumble match 30-man Royal Rumble match for a world championship match at WrestleMania 34
We’ve assigned Rumble numbers to individuals from Twitter and Facebook – most of these folks are Bears because Bears are good. Hi, Bears! Here are the numbers for everyone:
1. Zeith Bear – RUSEV DAY!!!
2. Ken Hesser – Finn Balor
3. Robert Falconer – Rhyno
4. Dazza – Baron Corbin
5. Rob the nerd – Heath Slater
6. Wade Haugen – Elias
7. James Brown – Cien Almas
8. Gareth Elton – Bray Wyatt
9. Dolev – Big E.
10. Steve Ogilvie – Sami Zayn (Dye Dillinger was announced as #10 but then was jumped by Owens and Zayn)
11. Chris Najdek – Sheamus
12. PunishBear – Xavier Woods
13. Bulky Bear – Apollo Crews
14. Eazzzy – Nakamura
15. CanaBear – Cesaro
16. TE Randall – Kofi
17. Jakey – Jinder Mahal
18. Battlefront – Seth Rollins
19. Nina Morris – Matt Hardy
20. Darren Bear – John Cena
21. Justin Paine – Hurricane Helms!
22. Derrick Darby – Aiden English
23. Not Your Mama Bear – Adam Cole
24. Matt DiBari – Randy Orton
25. Kristin the Boymon – Titus
26. Guy Fricano – The Miz
27. Tyler Schmidtbauer – Rey Jr. (off the gas!)
28. Matt Donaldson – Roman Reigns
29. Alex Minor – Goldust
30. Mike Coughlin – Dolph Ziggler (fuck me)
Good luck to everyone and may the Good Lord above bless you with internet glory.
2018 WWE ROYAL RUMBLE WINNER: NAKAMURA!!!!!!!!!
AJ Styles (c) vs. Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn
Handicap match for the WWE Championship
- Has Kevin Owens ever had a storyline that wasn’t “this guy is my friend and we all know I will turn on him because I’m a bully”? He is also fat.
- This was a good fake fight. AJ STYLES won without a roll up. They had cool flippy spots, like Owens throwing AJ only for AJ to rana Zayn.
- Thumbs up!
Seth Rollins and Jason Jordan (c) vs. Cesaro and Sheamus
Tag team match for the WWE Raw Tag Team Championship
The story of this match is Vince McMahon thinks everyone who claims to have head trauma is a faker or a baby.
— Barrylad Approval Rate: 37% (@TheBarrylad) January 29, 2018
Cesaro and his Leprechaun buddy won.
The Usos (Jey and Jimmy Uso) (c) vs. Chad Gable and Shelton Benjamin
2-out-of-3-falls match for the WWE
– Usos won back to back falls and that was that. Dumb.
Brock Lesnar (c) (with Paul Heyman) vs. Braun Strowman vs. Kane
Triple threat match for the WWE Universal Championship
- Brock won after throwing everyone around. This was short compared to what you’d expect if you’re someone who expects things.
2018 Women’s Royal Rumble match 30-woman Royal Rumble match for a women’s championship match at WrestleMania 34
Let’s do this for the vaginas too! Everyone likes vaginas – except for gay men.
(I REALLY hope I don’t “win” this one but it’s chicks so who knows.)
1. Zeith Bear – Sasha Banks
2. Ken Hesser – Becky Lynch
3. Robert Falconer – Sarah Logan
4. Dazza – Mandy Rose
5. Rob the nerd – Lita~!
6. Wade Haugen – Kairi Sane
7. James Brown – Tamina
8. Gareth Elton – Dana Brooke
9. Dolev – Torrie Wilson
10. Steve Ogilvie – Sonya Deville
11. Chris Najdek – Liv Morgan 12. PunishBear – MOLLY HOLLY!
13. Bulky Bear – Lana, representing Rusev Day!
14. Eazzzy – Michelle McCool
15. CanaBear – Ruby Riott
16. TE Randall – VICKY GUERRERO!
17. Mike Coughlin (note in advance: if Trish Stratus enters, Jakey automatically gets her because that is his eternal boo) – Carmella (Jakey originally had Carmella at #17 but Mike swapped with him so that he could have his soul sister.)
18. Battlefront – Natalya
19. Nina Morris – Kelly Kelly (OMG! They’re STILL talking about her being 19.)(Though the meta humor is good.)
20. Darren Bear – Naomi
21. Justin Paine – Miss Jacky
22. Derrick Darby – Nia Jax
23. Not Your Mama Bear – Ember Moon
24. Matt DiBari – Beth Phoenix
25. Kristin the Boymon – Asuka
26. Guy Fricano – Mickey James
27. Tyler Schmidtbauer – Nikki Bella
28. Matt Donaldson – Brie Bella
29. Alex Minor – It’s Bailey!
30. Jakey – Trish Stratus (Jakey originally had Carmella at #17 but Mike swapped with him so that he could have his soul sister.)
WINNER OF THE FIRST EVER WWE WOMEN’S ROYAL RUMBLE: ASUKA!
(Didn’t see that one coming.)
RONDA ROUSEY MADE HER WWE DEBUT!
OK. Not really. She’s done stuff before. But I think it is fair to say this was her debut as a regular. All she did was point at the Wrestlemania sign, say nothing, and then leave. She came out to:
LOL. Then she shook Stephanie’s hand just so we all know the McMahons are cool.
Good luck to everyone and may the Good Lord above bless you with internet glory. Mohammad Bless You!