Good news everyone! After 3 days of strike action and contract negotiations I’m back to restart reporting on the 25th G1 Climax Tournament. Management have given in to all of my demands, 1 free breakfast & a Planet Hollywood reversible leather jacket. Be honest, you’ve missed me. I understand your fears that I be replaced with a reporter whose usage of commas could, perhaps, be insufficient. Never fear however, I quit my full time job on the weekend so now nothing can stop me from insulting Michael Elgin every day for barely any compensation. You have to do what you’re passionate about.
So to the big news of today:
SHINSUKE NAKAMURA IS OUT OF TODAY’S SHOW
After sustaining an elbow injury over the weekend when I wasn’t looking. This is the worst thing of all time for three main reasons. Firstly Shinsuke is the best shit, you’re reading this so you should already know that. The G1 will be greatly diminished by his absence, chances are he was probably going to be in the final. Secondly I’m going to New York next month for Summerslam, but I was more excited to see Shinsuke in the RoH show the night before. The cunt is ruining my holiday if he stays out that long. Thirdly, and most importantly, I found out seconds after I’d written a lengthy preview about his match today with Michael Elgin, which will now have to be scrapped. I woke up at 8am to write that, on a day off. I suppose on the plus side at least I suppose this means I don’t have to watch Michael “Baby in a man’s suit” Elgin compete today, but that’s scant compensation, because this was going to be one of his few enjoyable matches, I’d have gladly skipped his bout with Anderson. His match with Okada last week was pretty sound. Not spectacular, but one of the best things on the card that day. If by the end of this tournament he’d made me go from hating him to being ambivalent at best I’d have had to rethink my plan to throw rotting fruit at him at Field of Honor next month. With the Nakamura match gone the odds of the flat faced cunt achieving this modest goal have reduced to almost none.
G1 Climax 25 Day 6 Results
Liger, Captain New Japan & Tiger Mask vs. Taguchi, White & Finlay
Tiger Mask pins White with the Tiger Bomb
Yano & Yoshi-Hashi vs. Gallows & Hall
Yoshi-Hashi beat Hall after a swanton for the second time in a week
Makabe & Ibushi & Dorada vs. Tenzan & Shibata & Komatsu
Dorada picks up the win on Komatsu with the Dorada Screwdriver.
Tanahashi & Naito & Elgin vs. Styles & Fale & Tonga
I was wrong, they shoe-horned the twat in here. Naito pinned Tonga after his new finish which is a sort of back-flipping inverted ddt.
- B Block: Nagata vs. Takahashi
This was the G1 equivalent of a random match on Raw. Yuji “The sound older fella at your work” Nagata slapped and kicked the piss out of Wee Cheeky Yujiro for a bit until we got some unexpected Bullet Club interference from Young Cody Hall. Lovely belly to belly from Nagata, during which time I was eating a slightly disappointing bacon sandwich. I’ve started grilling my bacon instead of frying it and it’s just not the same. Back to the in-ring action Yujiro hit the worst looking flap-jack onto the ropes that I’ve probably ever seen. Low blow from Yujiro garners a 2 count. The finish came shortly after when Yujiro hit the Miami Shine.
Rating: Grilled bacon
- B Block: Honma vs. Goto
This should be good, both lads are good workers and Honma is always a tonne of fun, like your mum. Honma missed his first head-butt around the 90 second mark, trying to get his shit in. Honma with the Hulk Hogan no sell leading to the best strike exchange of the day so far, no-one really won and then it turned into a long battle for a suplex. Just noticed when Goto is selling tiredness his breathing makes his jaw look like he’s been on ecstasy all night. Leaping Kokeshi was followed up with a Kokeshi to Goto’s back. Honma climbed for the top rope Kokeshi and the crowd was right with him, until he missed. Goto got the neck breaker to the knee for a close two count but then was rolled up on the attempted Shoten Kai for a great nearfall. Honma tried to fight back but Goto hits his finish on the second attempt for the win. Great little match.
Rating: 3.5 head-butts
- B Block: Ishii vs. Anderson
I watched 22 Jump Street last week (it was a bit shite) and now I can’t help but notice that Ishii looks like a Japanese Ice Cube. Started off with a serious of counters and reversals, which looks cool when it’s two big lads. A strike exchange on the apron ends with a massive bicycle kick from Karl. Ishii with a load of forearms and chops in the corner, which I would never fucking take. Anderson seems to be going bicycle kick crazy today. Great diving neck breaker off the top rope from Anderson, he’s such an overlooked worker. Ishii heavily selling his shoulder to the point I honestly wasn’t sure if the match was going to be called off. How is he so fucking great at selling? Really hard hitting in the closing stages. Anderson hit a TKO for a believable nearfall. After a lot of brutal strikes and a sliding D Ishii gets the win with the brainbuster
Rating: 88 Jump Street
- B Block: Kojima vs. Okada.
Trying to pay attention but it’s a Kojima match so I just can’t care. Draping DDT on the outside gives Okada the momentum going into the heat section. Crowd are deader than both of my dads. Kojima with chops in the corner that didn’t look too painful. The best thing to say about Kojima here is that at least his little nose plaster reminds me of a story. In the early 2000’s a few of my mates were on holiday in a seedy Spanish resort. One night my pal Helton decided to jump from his balcony over the railings outside his hotel as a shortcut. He came up a little short and managed to become impaled through the side on a spike. When he was found by our other friends he was convinced he was not long for this world and came out with these profound dying words:
“Tell my mum I love her, and Robbie Fowler is going to be top goal scorer this season.”
Back to the action and I’ve been a little harsh on Koji here. He showed great fire in this match and managed to pick up the lifeless crowd, unlike the chemotherapy that was used on one of my dead dads. Okada’s top rope elbow drop still insists on being ugly as fuck. He got the finish after hitting the Rainmaker on the second try. Fun little bout.
Rating: Surviving being impaled on a spike