“It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you, without some G1 to step to” (B. Eric, 1987). To be honest I wish my absence had been extended by 24 hours as today’s card is the absolute fucking nadir of what has been a pretty average tournament so far. The only match today I have any hope for is MY BOY Naito vs Makabe, and honestly I’m not even that hopeful for that. Ideally we’ll get Naito being a prick Makabe manhandling him in response. Today’s main event has World’s Greatest Wrestler Hiroshi Tanahashi face off against World’s Most Punchable Twat Toru Yano. I know they’ve had their wee feud this year, but get tae fuck, this is no main event. I expect fans to have asked for refunds when that main was announced. If New Japan decided to hold a show in the theatre next door to my apartment and then announced this card I’d probably just stay home and play Dark Souls again. I fucking love Dark Souls though, and I love Dark Souls for 3 main reasons, but there’s not time to go into them now.
Now that we’re a fair way into the tournament it’s now worthwhile to actually show the standings, if I’d done it earlier it have been like the pointless table they show two games into a Premier League season where Everton are inexplicably in the top 5.
|Block A||Block B|
|Tetsuya Naito||6||Kazuchika Okada||6|
|Katsuyori Shibata||6||Tomohiro Ishii||6|
|Bad Luck Fale||6||Karl Anderson||6|
|AJ Styles||4||Hirooki Goto||6|
|Kota Ibushi||4||Shinsuke Nakamura||4|
|Hiroshi Tanahashi||4||Michael Elgin||4|
|Togi Makabe||4||Yujiro Takahashi||4|
|Doc Gallows||2||Yuji Nagata||2|
|Toru Yano||2||Satoshi Kojima||2|
|Hiroyoshi Tenzan||2||Tomoaki Honma||0|
So there you have it. CHIBI’S BOYS currently rocking the body that rocks the party.
G1 CLIMAX 25 DAY 9 RESULTS
Satoshi Kojima, KUSHIDA & Ryusuke Taguchi vs. Tomoaki Honma, Mascara Dorada & David Finlay Jr.
KUSHIDA tapped out Finlay with the Hoverboard lock
Michael Elgin & Jay White vs. Yujiro Takahashi & Cody Hall
Yujiro hit White with the Tokyo Pimps for the win
Hirooki Goto, Yuji Nagata & Captain New Japan vs. Shinsuke Nakamura, Tomohiro Ishii & YOSHI-HASHI
YOSHI-HASHI beat Captain NJ with his swanton
Kazuchika Okada & Gedo vs. Karl Anderson & Tama Tonga
Tame pinned Gedo after his wacky DDT
- A Block: Kota Ibushi vs. Hiroyoshi Tenzan
Tenzan’s back looks like he has ringworm. The match started with him smacking around Young Kota, who then cut him off with a dropkick but missed his moonsault to the outside. Tenzan working in slow motion again tonight. Next years tournament needs a lot of new faces thrown in the mix, let Tenzan work the tags. The story of this match, as with most Ibushi matches was his refusal to be bullied. He backflipped out of Tenzan’s side slam and hit a corkscrew moonsault for a close 2 count. Shortly after he ended things with the Phoenix Splash.
Rating: The result of a fire-cupping massage
- A Block: Katsuyori Shibata vs. Bad Luck Fale
Early on Shibata picks the leg for a lovely takedown into the figure 4, Fale out quickly though. Shibata losing the strike exchanges for a change and having to be a little more crafty. He countered a samoan drop into a sleeper but Fale broke out by being fat against the turnbuckle. Shibata countered the Bad Luck Fall into another sleeper, and it was sweet as fuck. The big man crumbled and Shibata hit the PK to pick up the win.
Rating: Aye, it was alright
- A Block: A.J, Styles vs. Doc Gallows
It’s weird Gallows coming out to the generic Bullet Club music when AJ has his own much cooler theme. A Too Sweet gets us underway. AJ frustrated by Gallows’ size and strength until he manages to hit a running enziguri to take over. Not for long. Gallows hit a painful looking chokeslam from the floor to the apron. The stable-mates deciding to not pull any punches. This match is going on a weirdly long time. The finish came after Gallows avoided a styles clash but AJ immediately hit a really impressive Bloody Sunday DDT.
Rating: The 2 Fast 2 Furious sequel: 2 Sweet 2 Long
- A Block: Togi Makabe vs. Tetsuya Naito
Our third big lad vs skilful lad bout in a row. Naito making his opponent wait whilst he gets undressed is the best part of the G1 this year. The crowd firmly behind Makabe here, they’ve been great all night actually. Makabe getting gradually more and more annoyed with Naito’s slow disrobing is awesome. Eventually Makabe got tired of waiting and went after MY BOY. Naito however made a cunt out of him and smashed him into the barricade. Naito’s current heel work is fantastic. He really gets under the skin of crowd and his opponent until they’re dying to see him get his comeuppance. This was a very back and forth match with neither guy taking control for a sustained period. A fantastic strike exchange ends when Makabe takes objection to Naito spitting in his face, something you couldn’t pay me to do. The lads struggle on the top rope for a while, with Naito getting bust open via cracking his head on the post twice, the second dumb thing he’s done in a few minutes. Makabe wins the struggle and suplexes my boy off then hits the King Kong Knee Drop for the victory.
Rating: A slow & sexy disrobing
- A Block: Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Toru Yano
Fuck sake. This show has been MUCH better than I expected going in, but here’s Yano. I fucking hate Yano. I hate Yano so much. If all I had to do to bring one of my dead fathers back from the grave was watch Toru Tano’s DVD I’d have to think long and hard about it. Tanahashi tried to throw Yano out but he held onto the ropes and tried to skin the cat. The crowd loved it, I loved it when Tanahashi kicked him in the back of the head. Tanahashi then hit the stupidest spot I’ve seen from a kayfabe standpoint, and real life standpoint for a while. He inexplicably decided to hit a massive running splash on Yano who was against the post on the outside. Yano obviously moved, Tanahashi may now have appendicitis. Yano beat a 20 count, and by that I mean the ref just stopped counting, that was definitely 20 Red Shoes, you fucking dickhead, end this fucking match. Yano got a nearfall off a backslide that the crowd bought. Tana went up top but Yano threw the ref into the ropes. Tana hit a slingblade but Yano rolled out of the way of the High Fly Flow attempt. This match is probably going down like a house on fire in certain areas of Dublin. Yano gets the ref out of the proceedings and hits some chair shots. Tana opened the cut on Yano’s eye with his spinning neckbreaker onto the chair and then hit a slingblade. He followed it up immediately with the High Fly Flow for the win.
Rating: If you like Yano matches then you’ll love this.