HALF-@$$ed UFC RANKINGS

The Middle of an IRC Debate

The World of Violent Cage Fighting Sport

@HalfGuarded

 

I’ve never cared much for rankings.  When your top level fighters fight, what?, maybe 3 times a year – at best – what does it really mean to be ranked higher or lower?  And for a sport with far more fluke finishes than is typical, just getting a W doesn’t always mean much (See Matt Serra d. Georges St. Pierre).  Still, you people like rankings and folks like to debate them and I’m bored as shit so here we go.

 

In general, if you beat someone, you’re ranked above them unless there are extenuating circumstances. (i.e., Stefan Struve beat Stipe Miocic and Miocic has never avenged that loss but I’m not ranking Struve higher due to the obvious).  More recent activity is weighted more, though there aren’t algorithms or anything. And if two dudes haven’t fought and are near one another in general, I’ll probably pick the dude I think would win.  This is scientific, I know.  OH!  And if I think the division is really lacking (I’m looking at you, heavyweights and women’s featherweight), I’m just gonna rank as many as I feel is appropriate.

 

And I reserve the right to randomly change these based on nothing more than my womanly intuition.

 

By default, non-interim champions are listed first, interim champions are listed second, and dudes who have popped for stuff aren’t ranked while suspended, Jon Jones.

 

HALF-@$$ed UFC RANKINGS

 

HEAVYWEIGHT

1. Stipe Miocic (c)
2. Francis Ngannou
3. Alexander Volkov
4. Curtis Blaydes
5. Fabricio Werdum
6. Alistair Overeem
7. Cain Velasquez
8. Mark Hunt
9. Derrick Lewis

 

Well, Werdum tumbles a butt-tonne, doesn’t he?  Volkov moves way up in response.  Slowly but surely you can see the old guard heavyweights falling away as the new blood asserts itself.  Except for Cain, who knows what’s up with that Brown Pride lover.

 

 

LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT

1. Daniel Cormier (c)
2. Alexander Gustafsson
3. Volkan Oezdemir
4. Mauricio Rua
5. Glover Teixeira
6. Ilir Latifi
7. Ovince Saint Preux
8. Misha Cirkunov
9. Jan Błachowicz
10. Jimi Manuwa
11. Corey Anderson

 

Good job, Manuwa: you lost to a loser.  That makes you a loser too.  Corey Anderson is also a loser – really, the whole division is a sad sorted bag of loser.

 

 

 

MIDDLEWEIGHT

1. Robert Whittaker (c)
2. Yoel Romero
3. Luke Rockhold
4. Chris Weidman
5. Kelvin Gastelum
6. Jacare Souza
7. Michael Bisping
8. Anderson Silva
9. Derek Brunson

 

Well, GSP is now a middleweight, and #1 in the world by default, and that’s weird.  Bisping drops down to #5 because, let’s face it: he was never super, duper great to start.  Curious if GSP defends the belt or not?  I hope for not because chaos is the way of the world now. GSP DROPS BELT BECAUSE HE IS A WIMPY MAN.

 

 

 

WELTERWEIGHT

1. Tyron Woodley (c)
2. Rafael Dos Anjos
3. Stephen Thompson
4. Colby Covington
5. Robbie Lawler
6. Demian Maia
7. Jorge Masvidal
8. Darren Till
9. Kamaru Usman

 

RDA has certainly thrived at 170, hasn’t he?  It was one thing to school Magny but he took apart Lawler like it was a walk in the park.  Covington keeps getting people talking but the dude did go out and beat Maia so you have to take him as a legit guy now.

 

 

 

LIGHTWEIGHT

1. Conor McGregor (c)
2. Khabib Nurmagomedov (champion or some sort)
3. Tony Ferguson (ic – though maybe not champion because no one knows anymore)
4. Edson Barboza
5. Eddie Alvarez
6. Justin Gaethje
7. Nate Diaz
8. Kevin Lee
9. Dustin Poirier
10. Michael Johnson

 

OK, so, Conor was the real champion then went boxing.  Tony won the interim title.  Then Khabib just won … something.  They called it the real belt but no one has a fucking clue.  The UFC has destroyed this division and it is fucking hilarious.

 

 

 

FEATHERWEIGHT

1. Max Holloway (c)
2. Brian Ortega
3. Frankie Edgar
4. Jose Aldo
5. Chan Sung Jung
6. Cub Swanson
7. Yair Rodriguez
8. Darren Elkins
9. Jeremy Stephens
10. Josh Emmett
11. Ricardo Lamas

 

That Brian Ortega, eh?

 

 

 

BANTAMWEIGHT

1. TJ Dillashaw (c)
2. Dominick Cruz
3. Cody Garbrandt
4. Jimmie Rivera
5. Raphael Assuncao
6. John Lineker
7. Bryan Caraway
8. Aljamain Sterling
9. Marlon Moraes
10. John Dodson

 

Dillashaw crushed Cody and now the Bad Guy in Karate Kid needs to get his comeuppance.  Again.

 

 

 

FLYWEIGHT

1. Demetrious Johnson (c)
2. Henry Cejudo
3. Joseph Benavidez
4. Sergio Pettis
5. Jussier Formiga
6. Ray Borg
7. Wilson Reis
8. Brandon Moreno
9. Ben Nguyen
10. Tim Elliott

 

This is DJ and then 9 Guaranteed Losses. I have a new challenge for DJ: become the first man to have a win over every single person in a top ten.

 

 

 

WOMEN’S FEATHERWEIGHT

1. Cris Cyborg (c)
2. LOL

 

 

 

WOMEN’S BANTAMWEIGHT

1. Amanda Nunes (c)
2. Holly Holm
3. Raquel Pennington
4. Julianna Pena
5. Ketlen Vieira
6. Sara McMann
7. Cat Zingano

 

I see the top five as somewhat interchangeable. The rest aren’t close. At least she has a good husband. You know who…

 

(Do I even rank Her anymore? NO!)

 

 

 

WOMEN’S FLYWEIGHT

1. Nicco Montaño (c)
2. Valentina Shevchenko
3. LOL

 

Shevchenko will be champion by the end of 2018.

 

STRAWWEIGHT

1. Rose Namajunas (c)
2. Joanna Jedrzejczyk
3. Jessica Andrade
4. Claudia Gadelha
5. Karolina Kowalkiewicz
6. Tecia Torres
7. Michelle Waterson
8. Cynthia Calvillo
9. Carla Esparza
10. Felice Herrig

 

I once wondered if JJ would ever be truly challenged and now I wonder what we all wonder: will she return and win?  Turns out, she didn’t because Rose is a thug.

 

POUND FOR POUND

1. Demetrious Johnson
2. Georges St. Pierre
3. Max Holloway
4. Conor McGregor
5. Daniel Cormier
6. Robert Whittaker
7. TJ Dillashaw
8. Stipe Miocic
9. Frankie Edgar
10. Tyron Woodley
11. Dominick Cruz

*Women are not listed alongside men.  Our rankings understand Sharia.

 

The gulf between DJ and #2 is as wide as any you’d find at a porn convention.

 

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