Des Moines, IA-
After a long delay in polling results for the Iowa caucuses due to some glitches in the app that was doing the tallying which had early results showing Bernie Sanders leading by a wide margin and Joe Biden in 4th place, a literal miracle occurred. The app was fixed and it gave the world the results it didn’t want to hear, but needed to hear, and that is Hillary Clinton won even though she isn’t running.
It can’t be ignored any longer, Hillary Clinton will be our next President even if it means everyone in her way has to kill themself. It turns out the problem with the app was that it was accurately counting votes in favor of Bernie Sanders. That problem was multiplied by the fact that the owner of the app was still alive and breathing. From what we understand Hillary Clinton got wind of these injustices and did something about it.
The app’s owner is still alive and breathing but from what we understand he now “Gets it.”
Pete Buttigieg had actually declared victory before the delay ended but has since retracted that statement due to what his team
is calling a severely sore throat and uncontrollable fear and shaking. Mayor Pete did manage to releases a statement from his bedside simply stating “Hillary 2020”.
Hillary has yet to announce a running mate but the early indication is it will be Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, or Don Lemon.