While speculation and controversy swirl around President Trump’s decision to kill Qasem Soleimani, new information has been revealed as to who helped President Trump formulate their plan to attack Iran.
It seems former Empire actor Jussie Smollett is Trump’s new head military advisor. While Jussie has no military experience, Trump admired his ability to provide details about events that nobody was around to see.
“Jussie is a great patriot. He was attacked by a couple of guys from that N word country in Africa, see you guys thought I was gonna say it but I’m no racist.”
We reached Jussie for comment and he had this to say:
“Qasem Soleinmani was planning to attack one of America’s most cherished and beloved citizens, me. They heard about me being the gay Tupac and put a bounty on my head. I was actually attacked by two Iranians when I was on my way to Arby’s at 4 am in Minnesota right before Christmas. They yelled “Hey, aren’t you that guy from Power on Starz?” I had to explain to them I wasn’t 50 Cent but I am the gay 50 cent. That’s when they punched me, screamed Allah Cadabra and disappeared.”
Trump verbally consoled Jussie as he started to cry, he didn’t touch him or hug him or anything because he’s gay and black, but Vice President Mike Pence embraced Jussie, pulled his head into his chest and whispered “There, there Jussie, daddy’s here, don’t be afraid to rub my back or thighs if it calms you down. Let’s go, I’ll run us a bath, YOU a bath….”
As Pence and Jussie left the room, Trump announced he will be giving out the rest of his top secret military strategies to our troops on Twitter, Tik Tok, and Periscope for the “army guys in submarines”.
When asked if he was worried about Iran’s threat to attack Trump owned locations, he responded by saying he’s purchased 2 trillion dollars worth of Ring Doorbell cameras, toy race cars, marbles, and fireworks for his properties and he’s been studying the original Home Alone movie to see how Kevin kept the burglars from getting to him.