Zagreb Arena
Zagreb, Croatia, Not-America
Twitter
Hi. Look, it’s fighting! But it’s a Sunday when this shindig airs and you’re reading. Why aren’t you at church? Do you wish for your soul to perish in a lake of fire? Welllllllll you’ve come to the right place! (Ben. Fucking. Rothwell…) We’ll be doing that thing where we tell you what happened when the grown men (and women) in their underwear hit each other. Shall we?
Time has come ….
UFC Croatia Free Live Stream of consciousness Results – NOT VERY IMPORTANT PRELIMINARY CARD – UFC Fight Pass – 10:30 a.m. ET/930/830/730 (LOL West Cost)
Alessio Di Chirico v Bojan Velickovic – Middleweights
Round One
- Serbia v Italy
- Serbia is bigger here
- Italy striking better as its all on the feet
Round Two
- Italy played American football, which is an odd one
- Then I changed computers but missed nothing
Round Three
- Italy is moving forward more and that’ll probably win him the fight as neither guy has really shown a major advantage
- Just kinda both guys coming in and out with strikes, but no one doing a ton.
- Italy just lands a good left hand and it made the crowd go YAY! Croats hate Serbs. (Who doesn’t?)(WHAT?!?!)
- Italy gets a takedown with 30 seconds and then some big punches. That seals the round and maybe the fight.
SERBIA WINS!
What in the sweet fuck? That’s a fucking joke. The 30-27 score in particular just screams corruption. Fuck Eastern Europe.
Should You Watch?
- Eh. They tried and so I won’t fault them for that but sometimes, just like sex, you don’t get a good rhythm and it’s good but not great but you end up crying in the corner and promise it’ll be better next time and you swear this has never happened before.
- But, NO! Don’t support Euro corruption
btw, this is how a boss handles MMA and football AND coverage all at the same time.
Cyril Asker v Jared Cannonier – BIG OL HEAVYWEIGHTS!
Cannonier is a great name and one that lends itself to the potential for even better nicknames.
And LIVERPOOL SCORE! SUCK ASS, STOKE!
Round One
- Already the two big men are swinging what appear to be redwood limbs.
- Cannon sprawls on Asker with ease and shocking quickness. He’s defending very well against the takedown against the fence too.
- Cannon lands a punch and Asker pretends it didn’t hurt but whatever dude.
- Cannon jabs the body. Then again.
- CANNON DROPS HIM DEAD WITH A LEFT HAND FROM HELL! HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!
- And a HORRIBLE ref didn’t immediately stop it and so Asker took a punch of unneeded elbows to the head.
CANNON WINS BY DEATH KO!!!!
Should You Watch?
- FUCK. YES.
Cannon says he’s going to eventually move to LHW. He’s got some softness but man alive he seems big already…
Stoke just cheated to even things up. What a group of scumbags. WE NEVER BLOG ALONE!!!
Lucas Martins v Robert Whiteford – Guys who are as light as feathers
This should be good.
Round One
- Martins is a big dude in there, almost a head taller.
- Whiteford landing a lead right hook several times already.
STURRIDGE SCORES LIKE THE HERO HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Martins clearly looking to counter, which may work as Whiteford is leaping in.
- And there it is, as Martins checked Whiteford with a left hook which definitely hurt the Scot. Whiteford ties up immediately and is clearing cobwebs.
- Close round but Martins should take it
Round Two
- Whiteford with his right hook again. It’s his money punch for sure but it also makes himself predictable.
- Whiteford on his bike here, not wanting to let Martins get set. Whitey is doing well so far with isolated shots as Martins just can’t land.
- Martins though is slowly but surely stalking Whiteford and cutting off the Octagon very well. Sure enough, he lands a straight right hand as a result. And another after that.
- Whiteford blasts through with a double leg but Martins eats a few punches while standing up.
- Another close one buuuuuuuut: Whiteford.
Round Three
- Whiteford with a kick to the inside lead leg and after two of them it already looks painful. Probably should’ve done that 10 minutes ago, mate.
- Same pattern from round two with Whiteford circling and Martins slowly trying to trap him against the cage so he can land straight punches.
- Martins maybe just too patient at this point though, as there is only 2:30 to go and this is close. (Though the same would also be true of Whiteford so fuck me, right?)
- 30 seconds to go and neither guy wants it. They need to dig deep, give 110%, and other cliches.
MARTINS WINS (split dec)
Should You Watch?
No. Just: no.
How cool is it that I can watch a football match from England and MMA from Croatia at the same time? This is so much better than what people used to do: read books.
UFC Croatia Free Live Stream of consciousness Results – MOAR IMPORTANT PRELIMINARY CARD – FOX Sports 1 – noon ET/11/10/9
Filip Pejic vs. Damian Stasiak – GhostWeights
Round One
- Stasiak with an immediate takedown, pounding, choke. FIN!
STASIAK WINS!
Should You Watch?
Sure!
Liverpool with another one. What a great group of lads.
Damir Hadzovic v Mairbek Taisumov – Lightweights
LOL. Like I’m cultured enough to spell or pronounce either of these names. Damir and Mair it shall be. You know how there’s “a look” for fighters in America? These two have the Eastern Euro equivalent. Thank goodness Mair has a beard at least.
Round One
- Mair moving and striking well early, flashing the jab in Damir’s face. And as a result, Damir lands a jab of his own.
- Mair missed a spinny kick and Damir countered well with straight punches. Damir showing crisper striking for sure.
- Damir continuing to fire off excellent punches but then Mair lands a wild hook that hurt him. He’s swarming and AN UPPERCUT FROM HELL ENDS IT!
TAISUMOV WINS BY DEATH PUNCH!
Should You Watch?
Only if you’re a good person or want to become one.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand they’re killing time.
Ian Entwistle v Alejandro Perez
Round One
- Ian tried a flying scissors takedown and is working on leglocks immediately.
- Ian says that Perez is greased up and is complaining but the ref finds nothing.
- Ian getting pounded on bad here but he’s still game and going for the leg still.
- Ian CRANKING a heel hook. Damn. Perez has done his homework on defending these.
- Ian is Palhares like in his dedication to the legs but – no, that’s not right. He’s just PURE leglocks. Not even trying anything else at all. No pounding, no BJJ, nothing. Man alive does he want these heel hooks.
- Ian is getting the shit punched out of him the entire time here but he won’t let go and is determined to get the tap.
- Ian forced to cover up and he’s being elbowed hard. This is gonna be stopped. And it is.
PEREZ WINS!
Should You Watch?
Oh hell yes. This was fucking awesome.
Zak “Never Made a Woman” Cummings v Nicolas Dalby – Welterweights
Round One
- Cummings is an ugly human being. He just is.
- Dalby kicking the flabby, ugly, pale body of Cummings early.
- Cummings pressuring with his footwork but not really throwing strikes. Dalby using different stances while circling.
- Dalby is moving away from Cummings like probably every girl Cummings ever knew. Because he’s ugly.
- Cummings drops Dalby with a big punch!
- Pounding. Tries a d’Arce. It’s deep. But: nope!
- Dalby is a tough out, as I’m sure Anik wants to say.
- Cummings grazed by a Dalby superkick.
- Chopping leg kick from Uggo.
Round Two
- What’s his face from the Army said for the 500th time that Cummings prefers to counter. I think his programming got stuck.
- Cummings is longer here and using it better. He also looks very, very comfortable out there, like he knows he has Dalby’s number. (Watch him get KO’d.)
- Crowd randomly cheered, no idea why.
- Dalby got poked in the eye.
- Cummings just loaded up on a straight left and clocked Dalby. He’s moving at a pace like he could fight for three hours.
- Dammit. Army boy just said the same. He’s reading my thoughts. This is why I don’t wear Reebok.
Round Three
- This hasn’t been bad or anything but I’m not really excited either. Like sex with an ugly woman. (Cummings knows what I’m talking about.)
- Cummings shoots but is stuffed easily.
- Dalby kicks Cummings in the head. Cummings eats it but that was pretty solid.
- Big uppercut from Cummings sent something flying (sweat).
- Dalby slips and Cummings tries to pass but is now content to sit in the butterfly guard of Dalby.
- Cummings tries to walk around and pass. He really kinda has no choice here because you can’t pound much from butterfly.
- Cummings finally passes and with 90 seconds is throwing some shoulder shrugs.
- Dalby escapes.
- Dalby going for it, throwing some right hands and now knees to the head and body. Too little, too late, but credit the guy for trying.
- Dalby falls off a knee attempt and that’s that.
CUMMINGS WINS.
Should You Watch?
Not really, no. It really wasn’t bad but your life won’t improve by watching it.
UFC Croatia Free Live Stream of consciousness Results – MAIN CARD FOX Sports 1, 2 p.m. ET/1/12/11
Maryna Moroz v Cristina Stanciu – Never Ask a Woman Weights
Round One
- Cristina jumps on a guillotine right away. She’s burning her arms out but in the process tried a triangle and oma plata. They too failed.
- Chrissy now looking for a leg as Moroz stands over her, defending well. Moroz has nothing to do with this and stands up, where she can strike. She is good at striking, see.
- Chrissy throws a high kick like someone who doesn’t throw high kicks a lot.
- Moroz with crisp hands and looks to be on a totally different level striking wise.
- Moroz with a surprising takedown, immediately gets to
69North-South. Takes the back (I love that transition – because I’m good at BJJ.)- Moroz punching as she looks for the rear naked choke. NAKED!
Round Two
- Moroz steps in and out with some really powerful looking strikes. Very impressive technique.
- It also helps that Chrissy is visibly tired and completely flat footed.
- A finish looks academic at this point. And it really should happen because there’s a time and place for being cautious and a time and place for making a statement. This is the latter.
- Moroz got kicked in the vagina.
- Chrissy jumps for a flying triangle, misses, then rolls for a kneebar. She was gritting her teeth like she had it but nope.
- Moroz takes the back. She’s just a completely different level of fighter.
- Moroz with some elbows now as she mounts for a second but Chrissy explodes up and out.
- Chrissy is soooooo tired.
Round Three
- MOROZ’S BOOB POPPED OUT! (we didn’t see it)
- That’s a first.
- Third round is mostly the same but…
- Moroz on bottom now, high guard, armbar. It looks very, very close.
- Chrissy defending well.
- Moroz trying.
- Now Chrissy, while still defending, is applying a triangle!!! This is absurd.
- Moroz escapes the triangle but still has the arm. Belly down with it. 15 seconds to go. Crazy.
- Moroz on bottom now, high guard, armbar. It looks very, very close.
MOROZ WINS!
Should You Watch?
Yeah. This was really good and the third round submission stuff was cool.
Jan Blachowicz v Igor Pokrajac
Round One
- They’re out there just swinging like madmen.
- Jan blasts through for a takedown. Pounding. Tries to get the back but loses it. Throws up for an armbar off his back. No good.
- Igor on top punching now.
- Igor pushes through to mount but it’s barely there. Guillotine attempt but nope.
Round Two
- Jan trying for a takedown against the fence here but it’s stuffed. He’s burning his arms out.
- Jan steps back and throws.
- Igor fires back!
- Jan lands big! Igor is rocked. Big uppercut rocks Igor’s head like a rock em sock em robot.
- They’re in a phonebooth slugging like they have one piece of bread left.
- Jan with a takedown and he’s pounding.
- Igor stands!
- They’re in the middle and now Igor runs forward with big punches!
- Jan shoots under with a takedown to stall things a bit. He’s tired.
This shit is good.
- Jan pounding with elbows inside the guard. Face. Body. Face. Body. Ref is threatening a standup but he’s working, man!
- They’re up and Jan throws a high kick that misses.
- Igor pressing Jan against the cage. Punching. Wowsa!
Round Three
- Jan with a takedown two minutes in. That may be key. He’s dropping elbows to the body. Could pass but choosing to stay in halfguard(ed.com)(Can’t believe that’s the first time I’ve made that joke today.)
- aaaaaand I had a momentary internet issue. Fuck you, Comcast.
- Round slowed and Jan rode it out.
JAN WINS!!
Should You Watch?
Oh my yes. First two rounds were incredible.
Timothy Johnson v Marcin Tybura – Fat Weights
Round One
- Johnson with a mustache straight out of 1920. Pure man!
- Big boys are just swinging like big goofs.
- Clinched up like two bears (the gay kind).
- Mustache McGee leaning on Marcin and kneeing.
- Marcin quicker with his strikes but that Stache just can’t lose; that’s a law of nature.
Round Two
- Mustache throwing wild, like how a boar would punch if it fought that way.
- Boring clinching against the cage.
- Not much going on here, I’ll be honest. Thank goodness for that mustache.
Round Three
- More blubber flying.
- Marcin with a takedown and immediately takes the back. Interesting. (Or not, I can’t read your mind.)
- Escape out the back door and they’re ready to miss punches again.
- Marcin landing some shots now.
- Mustache laying on him against the cage.
- This sucks.
Mustache wins.
Should You Watch?
Just the introduction so you can see the mustache. Then: never.
Curtis Blaydes v Francis Ngannou
- It was OK. They fought but nothing big happened. Aaaaaand then an eye got shut and it was over. Because you need to be able to see to fight.
Francis wins.
Should You Watch?
Not really.
Gabriel Gonzaga v Derrick Lewis
Round One
- Lewis throws a head kick right away and it staggers Gabe. Gabe decomposes himself but that’s real power… (I’m letting the typo stand.)
- Gabe gets the TD. Side control. That’s not good for THE BLACK BEAST!!!
- Back take. Lewis fights his way free.
- Gabe with a body lock but can’t get the TD.
- LEWIS DROPS HIM DEAD!!!!! KO OF DEATH!!!!
LEWIS WINS BY DEATH!!!!
Should You Watch?
Yes. Yes. YES!!
Ben FUCKING Rothwell v Junior Dos Santos
Round One
- JDS quicker and better on the feet so far. Great combinations.
- But Ben is just walking forward determined to land, acting like he believes touching JDS’s chin will end the fight.
- Ben barely missing. HE IS SUCH AN AWKWARD LOOKING GOOFY FUCK.
- JDS firing straight punches that Ben can’t catch up with.
Round Two
- Minute in and it’s the same: JDS moving and striking like a fencer.
- JDS throwing a bit more now. More combinations but still careful.
- Ben pokes the eye. That should be a $250k fine.
- JDS pulling away here. Ben flat footed.
- JDS KICKED ROTHWELL IN THE GUT AND HE WENT FLYING LIKE “THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!”
Round Three
- Ben cannot find range here at all. JDS ability to control distance is the biggest key.
- JDS missed a KO punch by an inch. He’s much more aggressive now. He’s in the zone. THE. ZONE.
- Spinny kick to Ben’s blubber.
Round Four
- Same thing still – but it’s a masterful performance from JDS.
- Ben’s strategy is to move forward, switch stances, dip his shoulders, and do nothing. LOSER.
- JDS lighting him up here. Ben is bloodied.
I’m so happy.
- JDS is up a clear 4-0 so far.
Round Five
- JDS knee to the face. Otherwise: same as the first 20 minutes.
- Jab. Jab. JDS is a matador here.
- Ben just Ronda’s into the cage.
- Spinning kick, like he hit on Hunt, almost ended Fatso.
JDS WINS!!!
Should You Watch?
Not super action packed but BEN LOST. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Quick & Dirty UFC Zagreb Free Live Stream of consciousness Results
(Winner in bold)
- Alessio Di Chirico v Bojan Velickovic
- Cyril Asker v Jared Cannonier
- Lucas Martins v Robert Whiteford
- Filip Pejic vs. Damian Stasiak
- Damir Hadzovic v Mairbek Taisumov
- Ian Entwistle v Alejandro Perez
- Zak Cummings v Nicolas Dalby
- Maryna Moroz v Cristina Stanciu
- Jan Blachowicz v Igor Pokrajac
- Curtis Blaydes v Francis Ngannou
- Timothy Johnson v Marcin Tybura
- Gabriel Gonzaga v Derrick Lewis
- Ben Rothwell v Junior Dos Santos
Why so much dislike for Big Ben? He got slightly derailed here in his quest for a title shot; he will be back.
It all stems from Affliciton paying him $250k to fight once years ago. I found it to be the most absurd thing ever. It’s since been a running joke to me to hate on him.