Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it you straight about college football? Of course you don’t, which is where The Internet In America’s 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the ’17 season we’ll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests.
Plus, we’re throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFS you can steal and post elsewhere on the ‘net, because we’re cool like that. Simply put, you won’t get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet – and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin’ shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who’s ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is – the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?
The Tide instantly re-asserted themselves as college football’s team to beat via their 24-7 poleaxing of Florida State. Jalen Hurts and company didn’t have to do too much on offense, seeing as how Bama’s D recorded two interceptions and their special teams unit registered a blocked punt (by, of all people, lead running back Damien Harris) and forced a fumble deep in Seminoles’ territory on a punt of their own. This is a scary, scary team that made a probable playoff team look like a bunch of circle jerkin’ high schoolers – the SEC West, you have my condolences.
Any top-ranked team can beat da fuq out of a glorified FBS school by 50-something points, which is precisely why I’ve got the all-maize marauders slotted in at the no. 2 spot. Despite Wilton Speights’ two-interception day (and I suppose in spite of the fact the Gators had ten starters sitting out because they tried to rob a book store or something), the Wolverines weathered a tough, tough Florida defense and finished the Dallas shindig 33-17 victors. And don’t look now, but Michigan might be a damned good team this year when it comes to both sides of rushing the ball; they lit up Florida for 215 yards and a score while limiting the Gators to just 11 total yards on 29 rushing attempts.
Even without DeShaun Watson under center, the reigning, defending college football champs looked impressive as the Tigers absolutely MASSACRED Kent State (oh – maybe that’s poor phrasing on my part) 56-3. New QB Kelly Bryant looked pretty good (1 TD and 1 INT on 16 completions for 236 yards) but it was Clemson’s run game that was truly awe-inspiring. At the end of the day, the team combined for 353 yards and no less than six rushing touchdowns, with back Travis Etienne leading the herd with 81 yards and a touchdown on eight carries.
The Zips got in about as much offense in this game as Jerry Sandusky’s sex abuse victims, as the Nittany Child Rapists pummeled Akron to the tune of 52-nothing. QB Trace McSorely had a hell of a game, going 18 for 25 on passes for two TDS, 1 INT and 280 yards, while collecting another 48 yards and another touchdown with his feet. Potential Heisman candidate Saquon Barkley got his campaign off to a rollicking start, finishing the game with 172 yards and two touchdowns on 14 carries, while the Pedo State D held the Zips to just 86 yards passing and only 73 rushing.
It took until the second half, but the Buckeyes finally started playing like the Buckeyes in last Thursday’s tilt against Indiana. In the 49-21 in-conference win, J.T. Barrett went 20 for 35 for 304 yards and a touchdown, collecting another 61 yards and an additional touchdown on the ground. Alas, while Ohio State’s passing game looked solid, their passing defense looked anything but championship-worthy; at the final tally, they somehow allowed Richard Lagow to air out the ball for an absurd 410 yards.
|Yeah … that’s generally something National Championship hopefuls don’t normally allow.|
Don’t let the 49-31 score fool you, the Trojans were in deep, deep dookie for most of their opening day donnybrook against Western Michigan. Indeed, the game was a deadlock with about six and a half minutes remaining in the fourth, thanks in no small part to alleged Heisman candidate Sam Darnold lobbing the rock for two costly interceptions. Still, the Trojans’ potent rushing attack bailed them out with Ronald Jones (159 yards, 8 carries) and Stephen Carr (69 yards, 7 carries) combining for five trips to the endzone. Still, you’ve got to worry a lot about any team that allows a sophomore wide receiver to burn their defense on a trick play – hell, even the team’s blind long snapper can see that’s a problem.
Well, Baker Mayfield certainly had a hell of a game in the Sooners’ 56-7 shellacking of UTEP. The Heisman hopeful wrapped up the game 19 for 20 on pass attempts for 329 yards and three touchdowns; meanwhile, Oklahoma’s D held the Miners (but, uh, not the same way Michael Jackson held the minors) to just 94 passing yards and only 73 rushing. Needless to say, the Sooners prime time meeting with the Buckeyes this Saturday night ought to be an instant classic gunslinger duel – better make sure your DVR has ample room for overtime play, folks.
Mason Rudolph is a bad, bad motherfucker. In the Cowboys’ 59-24 win over Tulsa, he finished the game 20 for 24 for 303 yards and three touchdowns – and then he decided to punch the ball into the end zone himself and record one more TD on the ground, just for good measure. Led by Justice Hill (132 yards and a TD on 15 carries), the Oklahoma State running back corps chalked up an impressive 332 total yards and four touchdowns; alas, their rushing defense – which allowed the Golden Hurricanes to accumulate 244 yards’ worth of grass on their cleats – certainly needs to improve.
With one of the easiest schedules in all of Power Five football, the Badgers are a team that could – more so than just about any other team in the majors – finish the regular season undefeated. Despite a competitive first half, the Badgers absolutely steamrolled Utah State in their season opener, pounding the Aggies 59-10. Quarterback Alex Hornibrook went 15 for 23 on passes for 244 yards and three touchdowns, while the backfield combined for 234 yards total and four rushing touchdowns. And while their defense did let Kent Myers rack up 219 passing yards, the Wisconsin D did much to atone by also picking him off no less than three times.
It took ’em three quarters, but the reigning, defending PAC-12 champs finally started playing like it against Rutgers last Thursday. In the Huskies’ 30-14 win, Jake Browning went 17 for 30 for 284 yards and two touchdowns, with a 61-yard Dante Pettis punt return for a score seemingly bringing the team back to life after half a game of woefully unimpressive play. The run game – on both sides of the ball – remains problematic, though. The Huskies finished the contest with only 84 yards on 24 carries, while their defense allowed Rutgers’ rushers to combine for 131 yards on the ground.
BYU didn’t have a prayer against LSU, as the Tigers (ironically enough, many of whom sported the “Mark of Cain”) mercilessly drubbed the Mormons 27-0. While LSU QB Danny Etling had a fairly forgettable day (14 for 17 for 171 yards and no TDs), the Tigers’ rushing attack looked plum fantastic, with Derrius Guice collecting 122 yards and two touchdowns on 27 carries. And let’s not discount LSU’s new-look defense, neither; at the final whistle, they held BYU to just 102 yards passing and a whopping negative five yards rushing.
|Holy shit – I had no idea Demetrious Johnson was a backup for LSU!|
The good news is that UGA bumped off App State rather easily, 31-10, in their home opener. The bad news is they also lost their starting quarterback Jacob Eason and his backup, Jake Fromm (10/15 for 143 yards and a TD) probably is going to have to start for next Saturday’s big ‘un against the Irish. Still, the Bulldogs passing game may not be as big of a problem as it appears; after all, with Nick Chubb and Sony Michel tag teaming for 185 rushing yards and three touchdowns, maybe Georgia can take a page out of Army’s playbook and just run that motherfucker on every down?
Stanford actually had their first game of the season two weeks ago – a 62-7 ass-raping of Rice. In that game, the always-singular Cardinal combined for 287 total rushing yards and five touchdowns on the ground, with backs Bryce Love and Cameron Scarlett combining for 239 of ’em and four of the ground-based scores. Oh, and that new QB of theirs, Keller Chryst? He didn’t play too shabby, neither, going 14 for 24 for 253 yards and two aerial scores.
There’s really no need to talk about Auburn’s offensive performance against Georgia Southern on opening day. Sure, new QB Jarret Stidham did pretty well with 185 yards and two TDs on 14 completions (plus another 17 yards rushing and a solo TD scamper), and that run game – which combined for 351 yards and three touchdowns – pretty much speaks for itself. But you know what the most impressive thing about the Tigers’ 41-7 sodomization of the Golden Eagles really was? That Auburn’s defense held them to just 70 yards rushing and an absolutely preposterous eight yards passing.
Either Purdue is a WAY better team than anybody anticipated this year or a good goddamn, are there some major defensive problems for the Cardinals. In a nail-biter, Louisville made a late, late fourth quarter surge to bump off the Boilermakers 35-28, in a game in which the Cardinals turned the ball over three times. Still, Lamar Jackson played like Lamar Jackson, going 30 for 46 for 378 yards and two touchdowns, collecting an additional 107 yards with his feet. As good as the ACC is this year, Louisville’s going to have to make some rapid improvements, or else their playoff hopes could be dashed as early as this Saturday’s trap game against North Carolina.
|Unfortunately, the play was called back when it was revealed the rusher was actually a fully-dressed Adrian Peterson in New Orleans Saints gear.|
With all of the talk of Clemson, Florida State and Louisville, it seems like most folks have just plain forgotten the “U” not only still exists, but could make a serious run for the conference crown under second-year coach Mark Richt. The Hurricanes looked impressive against Bethune-Cookman in their 41-13 week one win, with QB Malik Rosier throwing for 217 yards and three touchdown strikes on 17 completions and halfback stud Mark Walton collecting 148 yards and two touchdowns on 16 carries. Still, if that defense is going to let guys like Larry Brihm, Jr. gain 212 aerial yards, what are Lamar Jackson and Kelly Bryant going to do to this ho-hum secondary?
Quarterback Josh Jackson put in a decent showing in the Hokies’ 31-24 win over West Virginia. He finished the game with 235 aerial yards and a TD on 15 completions, complimented quite nicely by another 101 rushing yards and an additional touchdown on the ground. Alas, the pass defense played atrociously, allowing the Mountaineers to rack up 371 passing yards and three aerial touchdowns.
In an opening week that saw gobs of incredible games (including the single greatest point spread upset in the history of college ball), none were more entertaining than the double O.T. thriller that saw the Vols make a late fourth quarter putsch to defeat Georgia Tech. In the 42-41 victory, QB Quinten Dormady went 20 for 37 for 221 yards and two touchdown passes, while running back John Kelly carried the rock 19 times for 128 yards and a stellar four end zone visitations. Still, the Vols run defense looked porous as fuck; if their D is going to let TaQuon Marshall rack up 249 yards and five touchdowns, just how many are they going to allow Nick Chubb?
With Texas already tasting that terrible turd sandwich known as defeat and Baylor getting bested by a tax shelter cooked up by Jerry Falwell, old KSU has a better chance of making a surprise run at the Big 12 crown that most people think. They certainly have a quarterback that’s capable of keeping ’em in the thick of things in shootouts against TCU and Oklahoma State: in last Saturday’s 55-19 win over Central Arkansas, Jesse Ertz racked up 333 yards and four touchdowns on just ten completions, with receivers Byron Pringle and Isaiah Harris each posting 100-plus-yards on the day.
Well, shit, seeing as how the Terrapins beat Texas 51-41, why shouldn’t they be ranked as a top 20 college football team? Quarterback Tyrrell Pigrome put in a surprisingly solid showing in the upset victory last Saturday (he finished the game 9 for 12 for 175 yards, two touchdowns and an INT, plus another 64 rushing yards and a ground touchdown), while Maryland’s rushing attack combined for 263 total yards and four trips to the endzone. Sure, sure, their pass defense did let Texas put 375 aerial yards on ’em, but at least their rushing defense held the Longhorns to less than a hundred yards. The question now is, just how many other top 25 teams is Maryland going to upset this year? Yeah, it wouldn’t really shock me if this team didn’t have maybe two or three more underdog victories in ’em for the season…
|…and it was around this point that the University of Texas began second-guessing their decision to host “Everybody Pretend It’s An Episode of WCW Nitro in 1996 Day.”|
The Cougars positively creamed Montana State on opening day to the tune of 31-0. Luke Falk had a hell of a game, lobbing 33 completions for 311 yards and three touchdown strikes, with top target James Williams hauling in 13 catches for 163 yards and two trips to the endzone. Their defense was pretty badass, too, holding the Bobcats to 115 yards rushing and a meager (if not borderline-retarded) 28 yards passing.
The Horned Frogs’ 63-0 blanking of Jackson State was about as one-sided a beatdown as we saw in week one of the college football season. TCU quarterback Kenny Hill had 18 completions for 206 yards, four touchdowns and one interception, with freshman QB Shawn Robinson going 5 for 7 for 94 yards and two more aerial touchdowns playing clean-up. And the defense held JSU (yes, the same team that almost bumped off Auburn a couple years back) to just 65 yards of total offense. Alas, expect the Razorbacks to offer up a noticeably tougher challenge for TCU this weekend …
The Hawkeyes didn’t have any troubles surmounting Wyoming, as Iowa easily dismantled the Cowboys 24-3. Quarterback Nathan Stanley went eight for 15 and recorded 125 yards, three touchdowns and one interception, while top ‘back Akrum Wadley finished the game with 116 yards on 24 carries. Strangely enough, Wyoming did post more aerial yards against the Hawkeyes … not that anybody will remember anything about this game other than Wyoming’s punter having his life forever ruined when he did this shit right here.
By virtue of bumping off Temple 49-16, the sports media Leviathan is already starting to hug Notre Dame’s nuts again. To be fair, QB Brandon Wimbush played pretty well for the Catholics, registering 184 yards, two touchdowns and an INT on 17 completions, and the ND run game – which combined for 422 total yards, with three separate rushers (including Wimbush) collecting at least 100 rushing yards and a ground-based TD on the day – looked mighty damn impressive. Still, we’ll see whether or not the Irish are as lucky when they take on UGA this Saturday in a game that could make or break the season for both teams.
Alright, one of you is going to have to explain to me why South Florida gets all these extra games on their schedule. As the most heavily hyped and (over?)touted non-Power Fiver in the country, the Bulls are already 2 games up the standings following a 42-22 win over San Jose State in week zero and a 31-17 win over Stony Brook (which I think is a high school in Texas somewhere) last Saturday. With a grand total of just one Power Five schools on their sked (a week four encounter against Illinois), one has to wonder if the team will even make the New Year’s sixdespitepossibly going undefeated – sorry, Charlie, but that’s just how things work in this,the new era of collegiate football.