By: Jimbo X
Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it you straight about college football? Of course you don’t, which is where The Internet In America’s 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the ’17 season we’ll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests. Plus, we’re throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFS you can steal and post elsewhere on the ‘net, because we’re cool like that. Simply put, you won’t get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet – and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin’ shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who’s ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is – the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?
No, there was not much drama in the Tide’s 41-10 throttling of Fresno State last Saturday. Jalen Hurts had a pretty good day, going 14 for 18 on passes for 128 yards and one TD while rushing for 154 yards and two touchdowns on only 10 carries. While the 305-to-58 total team rushing yard differential definitely favored Alabama, the Bulldogs actually managed to outyard ‘Bama in the air, 216-to-192. No that such a stat is any reason to get worried … yet.
In a clash between Heisman-caliber QBs, the Sooners’ Baker Mayfield certainly outgunned Ohio State’s J.T. Barrett. In Oklahoma’s 31-16 win, Mayfield lobbed the rock for 386 yards and three aerial touchdowns, while the Sooners’ booming pass defense held the Buckeyes to just 183 aerial yards and a grand total of zero passing TDs. And if that wasn’t enough, Mayfield sealed the ass kicking with one of the most alpha displays in recent college football history when he fucking jammed a University of Oklahoma flag at midfield at the end of the game.
Touchdowns were at a premium in the Tigers’ 14-6 win over Auburn, but that didn’t stop Kelly Bryant from posting fairly impressive numbers. He may not have tossed any TD passes, but he did get 181 yards on 19 completions, in addition to the extra 59 yards and two rushing touchdowns he collected with his feet. Oh, and if you’re wondering whether or not this Clemson team has a solid enough D to make it to the national playoffs, chew on this: not only did they hold Auburn to an abysmal 38 yards rushing, they held Jarrett Stidham to just 79 yards passing … thanks in no small part to sacking his ass ELEVEN times.
In the Trojans’ 42-24 win over Stanford, Sam Darnold went 21 for 26 on passing attempts for 316 yards and four touchdowns (plus two interceptions, but come on, who’s counting?) Aiding Darnold in the double-digits victory was back Ronald Jones (116 yards and two touchdowns on 23 carries) and receivers Deontay Burnett and Steven Mitchell, Jr., whom each had two TDs and at least 94 reception yards a piece.
The Nittany Innocence Takers didn’t put up too many yards last Saturday, but they still posted enough of ’em to beat Pittsburgh handily 33-14. Trace McSorely went 15 for 28 for 164 yards and three touchdowns (plus one INT), while running back Saquon Barkley finished the contest with 88 yards and one TD on 14 touches – plus another 45 yards and another end zone visitation as a receiver.
|That is easily the WORST act of forced penetration in college football history … you know, that didn’t happen at Baylor.
Mason Rudolph absolutely sodomized South Alabama last Friday night. In the Cowboys’ 44-7 victory, the Oklahoma State quarterback lobbed the rock for 335 yards and three touchdowns on 25 completions. And if that wasn’t enough? The motherfucker even got a chance to scramble for 18 yards and a rushing TD. And Oklahoma State’s defense didn’t look too shabby, neither; at the final whistle, they held the Jaguars to only 134 yards passing and just 41 rushing.
Wilton Speight did pretty well for himself in the Wolverines’ 36-14 win over Cincinnati. He wrapped up the game with 221 yards and two touchdowns on 17 completions (just, uh, ignore the fact he ran for negative 13 yards on the day.) Big Blue’s defense was in full force, as well: Michigan limited the Bearcats to 132 yards passing and a meager 68 on the ground.
The Badgers’ 31-14 win over Florida Atlantic was the epitome of a one-player performance. Wisconsin back Jonathan Taylor positively mulched the field on Saturday, racking up a stellar 223 yards and three trips to the end zone on 26 carries. Hell, that’s almost enough to make you forget quarterback Alex Hornibrook finished the game with a 1-to-1 TD-to-INT ratio and a ho-hum 66.5 QBR. Well, almost.
In the Huskies’ 63-7 mauling of Montana, no less than five different backs struck end zone for Washington, including QB Jake Browning, who registered 259 aerial yards and two passing TDs (plus an INT) to complement his 50 yards and solo score on the ground. The defense, obviously, did pretty well for themselves, too, holding the Grizzlies to just 132 yards passing and a scant 31 yards rushing.
It was all about the rushing attack in the Tigers’ facile 45-10 win over Chattanooga. In total, LSU’s running backs collected 222 yards on the day, with top producers Derrius Guice (102 yards on 15 carries) and Darrel Williams (38 yards on eight carries) each finishing the game with two end zone visits a piece. Meanwhile, quarterback Danny Etling wrapped up the day eight for 14 on pass attempts, racking up 227 yards and one aerial TD in the process.
|…and that’s how you get your dick sucked for life in Athens, Ga.
Although the Bulldogs’ comeback win against the Irish was one of the most entertaining, back-and-forth games of the fledgling college football season, this game is going to be remembered for one thing, and one thing only: Terry Godwin’s INCREDIBLE one-handed catch in the end zone. Alas, you shouldn’t overlook the import of the Bulldogs’ run game on the end outcome, neither; while they finished the game with 185 total rushing yards, their defense only allowed Notre Dame a paltry 55 yards of rushing offense.
The Cardinals are making it a habit of having dangerously close games. Of course, nobody really recalls Louisville’s extremely narrow 47-35 win over UNC, because of Lamar Jackson’ statistically phenomenal day. Alas, outside of Lamar’s 393-yard, three-TD passing (and 132-yard and three-TD rushing) day, there’s not a whole lot of positives to say about this team’s defense. You can applaud them for holding the Tar Heels to an absurd 17 yards running the ball, but they can’t be happy about allowing UNC’s quarterbacks to rack up 384 yards in the air against them … especially with the Clemson passing machine coming to town this Saturday.
By virtue of their game against Arkansas State getting cancelled because of Hurricane Irma, the Hurricanes (yeah, a bit ironic, ain’t it?) actually get two weeks off from on-the-field action. Skipping week three, their next contest will be a home stand against Toledo in week four. Of course, that’s assuming the University of Miami will have a stadium left when they get back …
The Hokies pretty much had their way with Delaware, blanking the Blue Hens (no, for real, they actually call their team that) 27-0. In the one-sided drubbing, VT QB Josh Jackson went 16 for 28 for 222 yards and two aerial scores, with lead receiver Cam Phillips reeling in six catches for 90 yards and one scamper into the end zone. And amazingly, the Hokies managed to limit the ferocious Blue Hens rushing attack to only 107 yards – even holding top wideout Thomas Jefferson to a meager 27 yards!
The Wildcats had no less then five rushing touchdowns in their 55-7 manhandling of Charlotte, with QB Jesse Ertz (16 for 21 passing, 178 yards and no aerial TDs) running the ball 13 times for 76 yards and one end zone visitation. But the player of the game had to be defensive back Kendall Adams, who recorded both a 30-yard pick six and a 46-yard fumble recovery for 12 on the scoreboard for KSU.
|What was blown worse: Florida over the weekend, or Boise State’s pass coverage?
The Vols had no trouble dispatching Indiana State, chopping down the Sycamores (why the fuck would anybody call a team that?) 42-7. Quinten Dormady went 13 for 18 for 194 yards, two touchdown passes and one INT, with running back Carlin Fils-aime chalking up 41 yards and two touchdowns on just three carries. And Tennessee’s D held up rather well, limiting Indiana State to 122 yards rushing and only 93 passing.
The Terrapins racked up six rushing touchdowns in their 63-17 shellacking of Towson, with top back Ty Johnson recording 124 yards and two touchdowns on just five carries. Quarterback Kasim Hill had a pretty good day, too, finishing the affair with 163 yards and two TDs on 13 completions … which, as fate would have it, was actually 47 less yards thrown by Towson QB Ryan Stover.
The Cougars were triumphant in our early season selection for game of the year – a triple overtime 47-44 nail-biter against Boise State. Insanely, Washington State was down 31-10 with eight minutes left in the fourth quarter, only for Tyler Hilinski to toss two touchdown passes and Peyton Pelluer to return a Broncos INT for 21 unanswered points over the course of 480 seconds. Ultimately, it was a 22-yard strike from Hilinski to Jamal Morrow that clinched it for the Cougars – whose grand team total of only 22 rushing yards throughout the contest can probably be forgiven considering their final aerial sum of 433 yards.
All 28 of the points TCU scored in their 28-7 win over Arkansas came in the form of rushing scores (and the subsequent PATs, of course.) Darius Anderson lead the pack with 106 yards and one end zone pilgrimage on 15 carries, while Sew Olonilua’s only two rushes of the game resulted in 14 yards and two touchdowns. Quarterback Kenny Hill, however, had a pretty ho-hum game, finishing the contest 21 for 31 for 166 yards, one INT and no touchdown passes.
It may have taken some overtime play, but the Hawkeyes nonetheless triumphed over Iowa State last Saturday in a 44-41 affair. Quarterback Nathan Stanley had a career day, lobbing the rock for 333 yards and five touchdown passes on 27 completions. Alas, Iowa’s defense allowed Cyclones’ QB Jacob Park to throw the pigskin for four touchdowns and 347 aerial yards – which is something they probably want to remedy heading into battle against Penn State, Ohio State and Michigan later this year.
|…and that, my friends, is how they teach you to play football at Louisiana Tech.
Josh Rosen had a fucking field day in the Bruins’ 56-23 win over Hawaii. At the final whistle, he went 22 for 25 for 329 yards and five touchdown passes, with receiver Darren Andrews hauling in three of them for 92 yards on just four catches. Alas, the Bruins continue to show some weaknesses running the ball and defending against the run. They finished last Saturday’s game with 132 total rushing yards, while allowing the Rainbow Warriors (no, they actually WANT to be called that) to collect 281 rushing yards on the day.
Somehow, someway, the Rebels found themselves down 9-0 early against the FCS Division Oners UT-Martin Skyhawks. And then Ole Miss QB Shea Pattersn went Super Saiyan, racking up 489 yards and five touchdown passes en route to a 45-23 victory. Alas, the Rebels’ run game looked absolutely atrocious; not only did they allow UT-Martin to record an absurd 219 ground yards (with three touchdowns!), their own rushing attack only registered a paltry 54 yards.
Quarterback Nick Fitzgerald brought the ruckus in Saturday’s 57-21 mudhole stompin’ of Louisiana Tech, as he recorded 124 passing yards and three aerial touchdowns in tandem with 111 rushing yards (plus another two TDs he picked up with his feet.) In all, the Bulldogs posted 327 total rushing yards at the final horn – a sum more than doubling the total rushing output of their opponent. Oh, and at one point, their defense had Louisiana Tech facing a third and 93 situation, which has to be some kind of NCAA record.
Saying quarterback Daniel Jones had a hell of a game in Duke’s 41-17 pummeling of Northwestern is quite the understatement. In total, he recorded four touchdowns and more than 400 yards of offense, lobbing the rock for 305 yards and two scores and running for another 108 yards and two more end zone visits. And the Blue Devils’ rushing defense looked downright tremendous, holding the Wildcats to a piss poor 22 rushing yards on 21 carries.
While “Be All You Can Be” is the motto of the actual Army, the Army’s football team has an entirely different motto: “fuck passing the ball.” In the Black Knights’ 21-17 win against Buffalo, quarterback Ahmad Bradshaw threw for only 17 yards, while he and the rest of Army’s backfield ran the ball for 322 total yards and three touchdowns. And believe it or not, that’s actually a step down from their week one performance against Fordham, in which Army collected 513 yards on eight touchdowns and posted ZERO passing yards whatsoever.