Mike’s Couch
A weekend came and went and now it’s Monday and Mondays aren’t all that fun for most. Personally, mine has started kinda weird. I feel a bit of a funk, for whatever reason, though I had a GREAT morning shit. The turd itself was nothing to write home about, I admit, but the feelings I’ve felt since have been wonderful. Let’s all take a moment and give a round of applause to my colon, small intestine, and any other parts of my body that made this happen.
Now then, onto what already went down.
UFC Orlando: The Happiest Place on Earth (for a night)
Jeremy Stephens hits harder than any man alive. Sweet MERCY does he pack a wallop in every punch, elbow, and other strike he throws. By the by, that should take nothing away from Josh Emmett: dude showed up and almost finished Stephens himself (as opposed to with someone else’s help, dumbass?)(shut up).
Yeah, I know, there will be talk about the knee and elbows but they didn’t matter. I don’t think the knee landed and the elbows are as legal as they’ve always been. I understand that the punditry needs to pontificate about something, and so this will become a thing, and there will be an appeal, but none of that is going anywhere: Stephens won, Emmett lost, life moves on.
(Seriously, the Mousasi win over Weidman is a thousand times more egregious and it still stands.)(No, I don’t care that New York and Florida are different states, they’re all the same and you know it: run by THE JEWS!)
Jessica Andrade makes me a liar, I think, because she might be the one who hits the hardest, even amongst the men. I saw some idiot say, “This should’ve been five rounds because it was important and blah blah blah.” Look, Torres gave it her best but she was receiving a pounding – and as a lesbian, that’s a new experience! (HEY, YO!) Andrade is a murder machine and how Joanna Champion beat her is a mystery better left unaddressed on a sat man’s website.
Mike Perry sure shit the bed. Dude is a warrior, no doubt, but having your girlfriend (your very attractive girlfriend) as a corner isn’t the best career choice.
Brian Kelleher and Renan Barao went to war, it was awesome, Kelleher (despite the dumb last name) picks up a giant win, and no one will remember this.
All four of those fights were easy fight of the night on any other card and whoever got those extra shiny nickles from Dana White should remember that some other poor bastards got nothing.
WWE Elimination Chamber Eliminates All Hope of Happiness
This was a thing. The chicks did their thing. Ronda got slapped by Stephanie after the Olympian slammed HHH through a table. This all followed Kurt Angle saying, “Ronda, don’t sign the contract, I heard these two evil heels saying you suck – yes, they want you to sign and are gonna pay you but they think you’re weak because you’re not good at fighting for real.” Then Ronda beat them up and still signed the contract. She sure showed them.
And Roman Reigns won the main-event and gets to face Brock at ‘Mania and the crowd booed and hated it and whatever. I can watch wrestling again in a month or so at said Granddaddy of Them All.
Liverpool Win Your Heart
For a day, Liverpool were second in the English Premier League. They walked past West Ham like it was nothing and avoided a trap game like the world-class awesome dudes they truly are, well done, lads!
Then, on Sunday, Manchester United beat Chelsea (a rare match where a Mou side didn’t look like the world’s biggest underperformers) and Liverpool dropped back to 3rd. Still, they’re level on points goal differential, have a game to play with United in two weeks, and Liverpool seriously look like the second best club in the league.
Second best, because Man City are still boss. They won a meaningless trophy from a pointless competition, thrashing Arsenal. Arsenal’s reward? Another game with City this Thursday! The quirks of scheduling will kill us all.
ENJOY YOUR WEEK!
