Our phones do so much, but they can, and SHOULD, do more. That’s why I’m here. To help them do more. How? By inventing very necessary new apps.
Now, by “inventing” I don’t actually mean I’m building this app. That would take knowhow and such. Nope. I ain’t gots none of that knowhow (okay, a little. I DID once created a dinner app called “Hot Dog Sans Bun” which was a hot dog with no bun cause I ran out).
I’m more of a thinker. More of a big thinker, really. And I’m thinking big. I’m also not a fan of creeps. Creeps like me. Creeps creeping out girls. Creeps creeping along in their little creepmobiles at night doing creepy things and enjoying crepes.
Okay, so I’m mostly mad that they eat all the crepes before I get there, but my point is: we need a system to weed those mofos out.
Enter Creep Alert© (Do you know what’s fun about the copyright symbol? You can just put it on shit even if you haven’t copywritten jack squat). Creep Alert is an all new defense system against crepe-eating creeps. Dudes who stare at girls too long on buses and trains. Fellas who hope puddles will be smooth and reflective enough to see up a girl’s skirt. Dweebs who rapidly pinch and release their knees in an effort to stimulate their genitals. Weirdos who spend their days snuggling with puggles. Goobers who go to far too many Little League baseball games, pretending they’re there “to coach their kids” and put butter in their coffee. Lots of butter.
Creep Alert is soon to be installed on every phone in the world. But using it won’t affect your own phone (you shouldn’t have to draw attention to yourself when some other piece of donkey wiz is creepin’ on you).
The Creep Alert uses a patented, proprietary technology to algorithmically identify creeps. Once identified, if a woman is being creeped on, she can press the Creep Alert button on her iPhone or Apple Watch and the creep’s iPhone will automatically play I’m a Creep by Radiohead.
This way, not only have you identified the creep for everyone in the surrounding area, but you also benefit from the tunes.
And don’t worry, the app will be free of charge (and uninstallable). But there will be a 45 minute ad after every performance of the song (which is 3:56 long by YouTube’s count). And for a small additional charge of $1 dollar for the first payment (with recurring weekly payments of ONLY $39.93) you can enhance your Creep Alert’s performance by having a small, nearly heart stopping electrical charge emit from the creep’s phone that will render him sterilized and left in moderate to severe pain, including 2nd degree burns!
Listen to I’m a Creep by Radiohead below, buy the album, and start living your life Creep-free TODAY (offer only valid in Tennessee, where it’s needed most).