As part of coverage you can’t get anywhere else, we here at halfguarded.com continue breaking down barriers. First, we were the only outlet with the courage to tell you that Sage Northcutt is a golden retriever. This time, we have an exclusive transcript of the conversation between Sage and his father following Sage’s loss last year on a Saturday night. You might be wondering if this is illegal, but as members of the press we’re allowed to do whatever we want so long as we get the story. It’s in the Constitution, near the back.
Super Dad: What’s wrong, son?
Super Sage: I don’t know, dad. I have this weird sensation in my stomach. Like a tummy ache.
SD: Did you eat something funny?
SS: Of course not. I ate my normal meal of lean chicken, broccoli, and 15 of those special protein shakes you pre-mix for me every week. That’s all. Just like always.
SS: Yeah, and I kind of want to cry. But that doesn’t make any sense. I don’t feel super super happy like I do when I cry and can’t help it. It’s like I feel … not happy.
SD: Ahh, I see the problem. Son, this is called sadness.
SD: Yes, son. Sometimes after a loss in a sporting event, people feel sad.
SS: Oh, that wasn’t a loss, was it? I just tapped so we could restart, like in practice. But then we didn’t. It was confusing. Someone booed me too.
SD: Yup, that’s sadness.
SS: So, am I now … a loser?
SD: Never, son. You’re a winner always.
SS: Why would God do this though? I read the Bible twice this week and told people to check out that Bible passage He’s always showing at football games.
SD: The Lord works in mysterious ways, Sage.
SS: But usually he talks to me first and lets me know what’s coming.
SD: He … talks to you. You hear him?
SS: Of course, that’s prayer, silly. He and I have conversations for hours as he sits on the shelf with his bright, flapping wings and glowing butt.
SS: Sigh. I don’t know what to do.
SD: Well, now you know what to work on, Super Son. You’ll have to train that aspect of your game more.
SS: … YOU’RE RIGHT! That’s so awesome!!!!! I get to get better at something. WOW! A whole bunch of new things to learn. I’m gonna be even better than I was before. This will be GREAAAAAAT!
SD: … Right, and –
SS: Oh, man, I can’t wait to go train and learn. Can we go now, dad? Can we? Please?
SD: Well, the doctor has to check you first.
SS: Ha! Look at my bicep, I’m totally healthy!
SS: But, anytime I get to see a doctor is super fun because doctors are nice and make people that are sick become healthy. They’re just Prophets for God!
SD: Umm, uh…
SS: Oh, and when we go to the gym, can I wear my BLUE t-shirt? And, oh, please please please, can I sit in the front seat?!?!?!?!?
SS: YAY! BLUE SHIRT AND FRONT SEAT!!!!!!!!! Let’s go to practice.
At this point, Sage ran out of the arena and began jumping and scratching at the door of the car in an effort to get in. He then vomited in the seat during the drive, licked it up, and hung his head out the window while waving at everyone he saw.
Oh, and the video below is real. Seriously, how is he an actual person?!?