Hi. Bit bored so we will kind of half-ass recap this WWE PPV. Will Brock make Taker tap again? Will Taker dishonor his legacy? Will Samoa Joe show up and beat John Cena? Will Kane drag Rollins under the ring and sodomize him? All these questions and more will be answer by our WWE HELL IN A CELL LIVE STREAM of consciousness recap results.
First up, every not-American wrestler in one match.
Cesaro is a one man ass kicking machine here. He just backdropped little dude over on to people. And now Ziggler his the king guy with a super kick and Cesaro is doing 50 reps on a giant swing. Not the flipping slash and it’s a win for the good guy not-Americans!!
Ziggler grabbed a Cesaro Section sign. Cesaro flipped it around and it said HI DAN! So, sup, Dan?
Now there’s an interview with the Dudley Boyz which is weird Bc they’re asking Twitter questions – and boy are they stupid. Hey, make sure to read our very legit Wrestling HOF.
JOHN CENA VERSUS ….. (Oh, he has to talk on the mic first) Now that guy who managed losers is it talking (Zeb) and … I have no idea wtf is going on. ok, let’s try it again:
JOHN CENA VS ….. ALBERTO DEL RIO
Well, that’s one hell of a let down. Apparently del Rio and Cena had an “all-time great rivalry” huh, learn something new everyday. Oh no, I saw one of the “four horsewomen” in the crowd. People are gonna lose it for that. People…
del Rio working the legs early, establishing his distance, and all that. Now he’s on Cena’s shoulder and arm, looking for the submission but Cena escapes. del Rio has Cena injured here and that will make a Cena win more difficult. DEL RIO WINS!!!! He did a super kick to Cena while Cena was on his knees.
WYATT VS SHIELD GUY
This is in a cell. It’s important because that way the later cell match will feel less important. Roman beating up Bray. If it continues like this it’s a matter of time before the ref is forced to stop it. Wyatt has a stick he’s using. That’s unfair. Now a steel chair. How can a commission sanction this? Roman found two sticks under the ring – if he knew they were there why wait? Oh, now there are two tables. Wyatt turned the tables (HAR HAR) on Roman and threw him through a table from off the ring apron.
Wyatt in control now, cutting off the ring well, keep Roman on his back foot. Oh, hey, another table is out. I bet Roman wins by spearing Wyatt through a table. He just did it! From the apron through a table on the ground. BRING HIM IN THE RING, YOU FOOL!!! Wyatt kicked out. … Roman could still do it again so I’m proven right. Eh. REIGNS WINS after a normal spear.
NEW DAY VS DUDLEY BOYZZZZZZZ
Back and forth affair. Tough for either side to pick up a rhythm – mostly a feeling out process. One black guy was thwarted by another black guy from allowing a third black guy to head butt his balls. Now a white guy helped a black guy head butt the cock of another black guy. New Day tried to TRICK!!!!! the ref by throwing the trombone to fight whitey and then pretending they’d been hit. The ref cleverly did not fall for this ruse. But, mere moments later, Big Black Guy hit someone with the instrument and Little Black a flippy kick and NEW DAY WINS.
LADY FLAIR VS LADY CENA
Bella has taken this contest to the outside to soften up Flair’s back. Eventually, Flair’s back won’t be able to support her body, she will fall down, not be able to get up, and thus Cena’s Woman wins. Bella almost gets a pin butfor the pure will of Flair to kick out. It was a Herculean effort. Flair has gotten herself back into this match. But previously worked over back failed her. This could spell the end. Bella has to sense victory. Bella misses a high risk technique and injures her knee. She’s gritting through what might be a torn ACL. Flair was on the top rope and Bella just stuck her face in her ass FOREVER before trying a German suplex, but Flair landed on her face. Flair couldn’t secure her Figure 8 move because of her poor back. After some more back and forth in a mad scramble Flair locked in Her Move again and LADY FLAIR WINS!
OTHER SHIELD GUY VS UNDERTAKER’S BROTHER
All Kane early. I think the mind games he played have paid off. Kane beating on him. Rollins kicks out of a choke slam. Something is happening now with the announce tables. Kane might have ill intentions. Rollins turned the tide and power bombed Kane on the table – which didn’t give and might be the difference between winning and losing in this epic affair. Rollins was watching earlier as he did TWO of del Rio’s superkicks but it wasn’t enough!! ROLLINS WINS after hitting the pedigree because no matter what: no one ever kicks out of the pedigree.
HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO VS … A HIPPO
Easy fat guy joke there. Ryback early with power things. Then he missed something and Owens is now hitting on him a lot. JBL said Ryback was only a couple of generations removed from walking on all fours. He knows apes and monkeys and whatever can walk in two feet, right? Or does he think Ryback is descended from a different animal. Evolution would be different if that were the case. Ape-Humans. Dog-Humans. Whale-Humans… Ryback with a power bomb but it didn’t win. Owens is getting beaten like a mule purchased for value on the fair market. Basically out of nowhere Owens hit his power bomb and OWENS WINS. This was terrible.
UNDERTAKER PRETENDS HE’S A REAL FIGHTER MATCH
“Best pure striker.” Shut the fuck up. Taker using those striking skills early outside the ring. Lesnar just clearly blocked getting his head slammed into the post and the announcers were all “haha. Smart move there.” Now Brock is bleeding. His face is like a crimson mask. He’s grabbed himself a chair and smacks Undertaker with it. Surely that must be illegal. Dr came out and … wiped away the blood. OH FUCK! Brock just walloped Taker in the face with a chair. Momentum shift as Brock hits his first German. Now two. Three? THREE! F-5 but a kick out. The Dr (who may be CM Punk’s buddy) tried to check the cuts. Brock told him to fuck off, F-5… Kick out. Steel steps to the head but they don’t keep Taker down. Nothing can. You cannot kill a dead man!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Taker with the gogo plata. Lesnar can’t tap – he’s too much man. Brock just starts hitting Taker and ground and pounding him aka a real fight. It’s awesome. I mean. This is a real fight…
Brock is now literally ripping the ring itself apart, exposing the board and Taker uses this time to regroup and hits a chokeslam on Brock right onto those boards. Brock MUST be dead now. Taker does a massive Tombstone onto those same boards. OH THE HUMANITY!!!!! BROCK KICKS OUT LIKE THE MAN BEAST HE IS!!! (No word on which species JBL things he descends from.) Brock with a MASSIVE low-blow (as revenge for Taker’s cheating ways) and then an F-5 onto the EXPOSED BOARDS OF DEATH. Brock Lesnar wins!!!!!
Crowd chants “Thank you, Taker” as we close but there’s only one god left:
Nope. Oops. Here come the Wyatt family. Didn’t they already feud? They beat up Undertaker then carried his body to the back where they will presumably have relations with it. From this day forward, he shall be nothing but a real life sex doll for the Wyatts. RIP Taker’s holes.
But, one more time: